Novella: Bad Apples (2023)

A GRIM FAIRYTALE

written by DAVID LEE STONE

cover by ROMAN DUBINA

For Lumen Jones,
Gymnast, acrobat and total trampoline boss

Prologue

Dimple had suspected that something bad would happen sooner or later...but this? This was beyond belief.

The cottage window exploded in a shower of glass, firing the tufted mass across the garden like a rogue cannonball. Sprouting a pair of little furry legs in midair, Baby Bear hit the ground running and didn’t stop until he’d reached the screen of trees that marked the fringe of the forest.

He finally skidded to a halt, just a pig’s chin-hair from Dimple’s hiding place.

Puffing and panting and gasping for breath, Baby Bear risked one fearful glance towards the cottage, where his dad was emerging from the front door, backwards.

Daddy Bear had been in many difficult and dangerous fights since the family had set up shop on the edge of the forest, but never had his furry nose had quite such a ferocious walloping. He took two last, painful steps and collapsed, staring up at the sky with a look of complete disbelief.

From her vantage point, Dimple watched. Of course: of course it would be her.

In the doorway, the young girl with the blonde pigtails emerged from the shadows, a bowl of porridge in one hand and a curved wooden spoon in the other.

‘At least your wife had the sense to run,’ she said, between mouthfuls. She glanced around the garden. ‘Looks like the boy got away, too.’

She took another gulp of porridge and then tossed the bowl and the spoon into the nettle-patch beside the path.

‘Are you going to stay down, or do we have to take this to the next level?’

Daddy bear had rolled onto his face and was trying to figure out whether he could force himself onto his knees using only his forehead. It didn’t look hopeful.

‘Y-y-you’re nothing b-but a th-thief and a bully, Goldilocks,’ he growled.

‘Am I? Is that what I am?’ The girl smiled, taking several steps forward and stalking him as he tried to crawl along the garden path. ‘In that case, I guess Red is just a vicious wolf hunter and Snow’s an evil kidnapper who enslaves poor dwarves to a life of enforced housekeeping?’

‘Y-yes! That’s true! They’re both horrible! You don’t - arrrrrgh!’

Goldilocks had taken hold of the bear’s legs and entwined them in her own. Now she was sitting on the garden path, stretching herself backwards while the enormous bear cried out in pain.

‘This is a figure four leglock,’ she said, between gritted teeth. ‘You can tell that wimpy wolf and the gnome with the weird name that the girls are back in business and we’re taking NO prisoners. Do you hear me? NO PRISONERS.’

‘P-p-please stop! Argghghghgh!’

Enough was enough. Dimple’s fingers curled into neatly balled fists as she prepared to lunge.

Goldilocks unfolded her legs, rolled backwards and sprang to her feet. Her gaze flickered momentarily toward the trees, and for a split second, Dimple wondered if she’d been rumbled.

But then Goldilocks returned her attentions to Daddy Bear. She bowed low, maintaining eye contact with the frantic bear, and cartwheeled her way out of the garden and down the lane.

Dimple flared her nostrils, watching - still watching - until the other girl was over the hill and far away.

Silence descended on the small garden, punctuated only by the heavy breath of the bear who still lay prone on the path.

After a moment, a tiny head poked out of the nearest tree trunk.

‘Dad?’ called Baby Bear, his voice trembling. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Y-yes, son,’ came the reply. ‘I th-think so.’

A second, larger face appeared from the edge of the garden well and Mummy Bear clambered out.

‘At least we’re all still alive,’ she gasped.

‘I told you someone had eaten my porridge!’ Baby Bear snapped. ‘It’s been going on for weeks and nobody believed me. We’re down to half a packet now and we have to share that with the three pigs because they’re ALWAYS starving!’

‘We can’t live like this,’ Mummy Bear agreed. ‘It’s time we went to the King. Somebody has to stand up to these girls.’

‘Oh, don’t you worry,’ thought Dimple. ‘Someone definitely will.’

Chapter 1

This is a story about a cute little girl with big dimples in her cheeks and a high, squeaky voice that sounds like three blind mice all trying to sing at once. She is small for her age and has a sly, cheeky smile and a tiny, balled
st that her enemies would say feels a lot like a brick wrapped in a sock. Thankfully, she smiles a lot and only gets into fights with those who really, truly deserve it.

Those currently deserving it include The Big Bad Wolf, The Other Big Bad Wolf (don’t ask), The Three Bears, The Wicked Queen, The Second Wicked Queen Who Everyone Keeps Forgetting, The Bad Fairy and The Weird Gnome With The Name Nobody Can Ever Pronounce and Even Fewer People Can Spell.

The inhabitants of Once all agreed that it was the longest, heaviest shower anyone could ever remember. The rain eased, then rushed, as if the heavens had opened and an ocean was being delivered in instalments.

Dimple Cute sat underneath a gigantic moon-plant on the edge of the forest and wondered why today was the day when the trouble had finally started. She’d been watching the cottage for the better part of two weeks and up until now, it had always been the same story, every morning.

The three bears left before breakfast, heading into the trees to collect firewood or to do whatever it was bears did in the forest (they seemed to have their own toilet at the cottage, so it couldn’t be that) and then, just a few minutes later, the girl with pigtails would arrive, jimmy the front left window and force her way into the cottage. Then she would sit down, work her way through three bowls of porridge, take forty winks in the bed and then leave through the front door. Occasionally, she would be carrying something: a candlestick, some crockery, even the odd piece of furniture. It was all very entertaining... but it was still, when you got right down to it, a BURGLARY. Now, to make matters worse, the poor bear family had actually been assaulted in their own home and both acts were CRIMES and were therefore against the Law.

Dimple Cute had very strong feelings about the Law. It might be annoying and, admittedly, sometimes you had to bend it a bit in order to do what you wanted but you still couldn’t actually BREAK it. That just wasn’t right. Something would have to be done.

The only question that remained was whether she should do something now herself or wait until her father summoned her. Judging by the bears’ conversation at the end of the fight, she doubted very much that she’d have long to wait.

Chapter 2

The twin trees towered over the eastern edge of the forest. Although they didn’t quite reach the impossible height of the Red Queen’s tower, they were taller by far than any of the surrounding woodland and they commanded an incredible view of the forest roof.

The Big Bad Wolf walked along the topmost branch of one in a rage. He didn’t wear many clothes but the ones he did have were torn, ragged and appeared to be the remains of a dress. He stomped along to the very end of the branch, reaching a point where it almost touched the longest branch of the other tree. For a few seconds, he simply stood there, teeth bared and growling, before a second wolf appeared directly opposite him.

The late arrival wasn’t in a rage; in fact, he strolled along the branch as if he had all the time in the world and was picking at his own teeth with a wooden cocktail stick.

‘What’s the problem?’ he said, stopping short of the branch edge. ‘Don’t tell me they’ve reinforced the straw place with cardboard again...’

‘It’s worse. That GIRL was there. YOUR girl: the one with the hood. She was just standing in front of the woodpile and – and – and she did this chop thing: she broke two logs clean in half! Then she smashed me in the face with them!’

‘You mean she recognised you?’

‘YES! The disguise you gave me was rubbish. The pigs were all laughing at me from the roof. It was really humiliating.’

‘Did you wear the wig AND the glasses?’

‘YES!’

‘How about the dress?’

‘What do you think this is?’ He raised what remained of the dress and waved it around.

The second wolf blew out a sigh and stroked his chin. ‘Hmm...I wonder why it didn’t work...’

‘It didn’t work because I’m a massive hairy wolf and her granny is about three feet tall. I’m not even wearing a mask, so the chances of her not recognising me were zero. I couldn’t even pass for her DAD in this outfit and we’re about the same size.’

‘Did she say anything? You know, before she attacked you?’

‘She frowned at me and asked me which one I was and the pigs shouted from the roof and said I was definitely their one because I’m always out of breath.’

‘Because of all the huffing and puffing?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Why did you try to blow a house down like that in the first place? It’s not exactly a great idea, is it?’

‘Oh, really? Dressing yourself up like a granny works better, does it?’

The second wolf sighed. ‘I think the problem is that we’re both pretty thick. We’re not what you might call ‘thinkers’. We need an ideas man, someone like Rumplestiltskin. What happened to him?’

The first wolf thought for a moment. ‘He’s in a sack that’s hanging from a window halfway up the Red Queen’s tower.’

‘Who did that?’

‘Gretel.’

‘She’s worse than any of ‘em.’

‘I know.’

‘Did they ever find that ginger witch?’

‘They found her shoes.’

‘Yeah, I bet. Personally, I think it’s disgusting: two kids beating up an old lady and trashing her house.’

The two wolves shared a respectful silence before the first one suddenly brightened up.

‘Listen, can we rescue Rumple? Maybe he’ll know what to do? Can we climb the tower?’

The second wolf rolled his eyes.

‘I’ve got a set of spikes, so I guess we can try.’

Chapter 3

The Diamond Palace shone in the mid-morning light or, at least, it would have done if the entire land hadn’t been drenched with rain. Unfortunately, the weather reflected the mood in the throne room, which was one of extraordinary gloom.

‘So let me get this straight,’ said the King, who – for reasons best known to himself – had started to walk around the palace dressed as a giant squirrel. ‘This horric, bloodthirsty gang that seems to be threatening our peaceful little kingdom is, in fact, made up of two angry princesses, a petty thief, an illegal wolf poacher and a disgruntled, witch-melting orphan? Am I right?’

The gingerbread man looked down at the scroll he’d been given by the heralds and nodded.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘That’s about the size of it. You’re leaving out Granny Hood, though - and by all accounts she started The Bad Apple Dojo.’

The King frowned.

‘I’m sorry? The Bad Apple...?’

‘DOJO. It’s a karate club for girls. It was set up by Granny Hood after your wife-‘

‘EX wife...’

‘Yeah, sorry – EX wife – poisoned Snow White in all that business with the apples.’

‘So they’re trying to make a point-’

‘Looks that way.’

The King stroked his beard, thoughtfully.

‘I don’t see anything wrong with these women learning to defend themselves...’ he started, pausing when he noticed the gingerbread man’s expression. ‘But I take it they’re not merely defending themselves?’

There was a murmur from the crowd gathered in the throne room and a shuffling of feet.

‘No!’ shouted one old man who was supporting himself on two walking sticks. ‘They’ve gone bad and now they’re attacking everybody!’

There was a cacophony of angry noise before the king held up a hand for silence. He turned his attention back to the talking biscuit.

‘Well?’ he prompted.

‘There’s a long list of accusations,’ the gingerbread man admitted. ‘Apparently, they’ve beaten up on the big bad wolf.’

‘Which one?’

‘Both of them....and they’ve kidnapped Rumple‐ dumpling or whatever his name is. They’ve also knocked Humpty Dumpty senseless a few times and now they’re hunting Hansel all through the western woods, terrorising ordinary citizens and hurling insults at them left, right and centre.’

‘They called my husband an old cobbler!’ shouted the old woman who lived in the shoe.

‘They said I was a loser!’ shouted Little Bo Peep.

‘They called me GINGER!’ said the gingerbread man.

The King looked at him squarely. ‘You ARE ginger,’ he said.

‘Yeah, I know, but – even so – it’s a bit much when you’re just out for a walk.’

‘RIGHT.’

The King peered out of the window, trying to ignore the fact that his entire kingdom was basically one big, wet, rainy forest. He pinched the bridge of his nose with the rough balls of his fingers and concentrated.

‘Do we know WHY the girls have all gone bad?’

‘It’s the apples.’ A sly, crooked voice echoed from the corner of the room and Hansel emerged, slinking between the shadows and anked on either side by the pale form of Little Jack Horner and Georgie Porgie, who always had wet lips. ‘The fact is,’ he said, sweeping his long hair into a ponytail. ‘The Queen didn’t TAKE the poisoned apple back when Snow White fell into her slumber: she planted it. Now, poisoned apple trees surround the entire cottage – and we reckon Granny must have eaten half the orchard: they’re clearly not sleeping draughts any more, but they’re certainly some dark charm on them. She’s feeding the girls at the Dojo morning, noon and night. It’s literally apples for every meal.’

The King gasped. ‘For BREAKFAST?’ Hansel shrugged. ‘Appleflakes.’ ‘You couldn’t serve lunch with-’

‘Apple Sauce.’

‘Dinner would be imposs-’

‘Apple Pie.’

‘Surely not dessert?’

‘Apple Crumble.’

‘Oh, you’re JOKING.’

Hansel shook his head and glanced around at the crowd. ‘This Dojo, Your Majesty, is no laughing matter. If you can’t stop these women, then nobody can.’

The King thought for a moment and then boomed in his loudest voice. ‘OUT! EVERYBODY OUT! EVERYBODY EXCEPT GIN-EXCEPT OUR MAN THE BISCUIT.’

The throne room took a few moments to empty, during which the King caught sight of his own reection and wondered, not for the first time, why he found the squirrel outfit so comfortable. It really was a mystery.

When the enormous double doors finally clanged shut, the King glared down at the gingerbread man and pointed a bony finger at him. ‘Fetch my daughter! NOW!’

‘But-’

‘NOW. Run – run as fast as you can.’

A series of doors opened and closed and Rapunzel half tripped, half fell into the throne room. ‘Not her!’

A few seconds later, a second princess poked her head around the door and was soundly dismissed when a frog hopped from her shoulder.

‘The OTHER one!’

The gingerbread man sighed, trying to catch his breath. ‘The one with the pea and all the mattresses?’

‘NO!’

‘You’ve got SO many daughters.’

‘THE YOUNGEST ONE.’

‘You don’t mean-‘ The gingerbread man swallowed a few times with the effort of recollection. ‘Not that cage fighter with the big dimple?’

‘YES. HER. Fetch her this instant. Tell her there’s an emergency going on and that we need a REAL princess.’

Chapter 4

The Bad Apple Dojo occupied a space right in the middle of town, a run down building that had been converted from a church when three blind mice had sold it to a cobbler who couldn’t make ends meet and had to sublet.

Now, it was home to the GIRLS.

The girls didn’t really have a leader, but whenever they had an argument it seemed to be Snow White who settled it.

Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks fought like cat and dog while Gretel liked to play the sort of practical jokes that ended with someone being carried away on a stretcher. Mostly, though, the girls reserved all their anger and aggression for the members of the Troll Bridge Ten. Admittedly, there weren’t ten of them, not any more. The troll had quit after a sound beating from Gretel, while Snow White and Goldilocks had seen off both evil queens. Now, all that remained of The Ten were Rumplestiltskin, the painfully stupid wolf brothers, Hansel (who, when it came down to it, was nothing more than a two-faced little coward) and the three bears: the less said about them, the better.

In order to attract more members, the Bad Apple Dojo had taken to the road and had arrived in what was undoubtedly one of the strangest parts of the land. Fortunately, the weather was clearing up.

As the rain eased off, sunlight began to peek through the clouds. Where it shimmered on the River Once, it also shone over the gloriously ornate bridge that linked the twin towns of Hickory and Dickory. The view across the bridge, consisting mainly of little cottages and beautifully tended gardens, was only slightly ruined by the island of Dock, which sat in the middle of the river like a small but very angry toad. Dock contained some of the ugliest houses in the land, each one built in a way that made it slowly fall apart while still not quite collapsing entirely. It was said that if you stood very still on a windy day, you could actually see some of the taller buildings leaning.

In the middle of Hickory, Granny Hood was putting on a display for recruits. She had taken over the town square and erected a stage so the girls could show their stuff to the masses. The masses turned out to be a couple of grubby orphans and a thing that looked a bit like an elderly male guinea pig dancing on a barrel between them. Still, Granny knew that beggars couldn’t be choosers and that all publicity was good publicity: the word would still spread.

She walked along the line and clapped her hands. ‘Girls!’ she began.

‘Hya!’

‘Form up!’

‘Hya!’

‘Are we ready?’

‘Hya!’

Granny narrowed her eyes, noticing firstly that several new citizens had wandered over and secondly that the guinea pig (or whatever it was) had stopped dancing.

‘Who in this dojo needs a prince?’ she boomed. ‘Who in this dojo needs SAVING?’

‘Not this princess!’ The girls all chopped the air in a single movement. ‘Hya! Hya! HYA!’

Granny leaned close to Snow White.

‘I can’t HEAR you,’ she growled.

‘NOT THIS PRINCESS!’ Snow White screamed defiantly, adding, ‘Maybe you should think about getting your ears cleaned out, you daft old bat.’

‘That’s the spirit, love! Hya!’

‘Hya!’

She walked to the front of the line.

‘Do we follow breadcrumbs here?’

‘No Granny! Hya!’

‘Do we spin straw into gold here?’

‘No, Granny. Hya!’

‘Do we try on glass slippers here?’

‘No, Granny. Hya!’

‘That’s right. Now, let’s show all these folks-’

She turned back to the crowd and froze: the entire audience had gathered around the barrel and were now all watching the guinea pig wiggling its hips.

Granny gritted her teeth. ‘We’re clearly going to have to shock them,’ she muttered. ‘Get out the wheels.’

The crowd continued to watch the small rodent until a voice behind them screamed ‘Pull!’

They turned just in time to see a spinning wheel fly across the stage and only just managed to duck when Goldilocks spun forward with a kick that made the wood explode, showering the crowd with splinters. The noise was deafening.

She repeated the trick with Snow White, who knuckle punched her way through a further wheel while Gretel and Red Riding put their heads together to break the last two in half.

The crowd gasped.

‘Tell your sisters!’ Granny yelled. ‘Tell your mothers and your daughters! The Bad Apple Dojo is open for business...and we don’t DO Happily Ever After HERE. Do we girls?’

‘No Granny! Hya!’

A dark grimace settled on the old woman’s face as she cracked her mottled knuckles.

‘Right,’ she said, staring at some of the terri
ed faces in the crowd. ‘For this next bit we’re going to need a volunteer...’

The crowd parted like lightning, leaving a small boy standing all by himself. Unfortunately, his attention was glued to one of the new-fangled woodcut puzzles the village carpenter had put together for his lying son to sell in the marketplace. He didn’t look up until it was too late.

‘You! What’s your name?’

‘Wee.’

‘We?’

‘No. WEE. Double E.’

‘Wee What?’

‘Not Wee What. That’s my first cousin. She lives over in Dock. I’m Wee Willie.’

‘Wee Willie What?’

‘No, that’s her brother. I’m Wee Willie Winkie.’

‘WINKIE?’ Up on the stage, Granny’s eyes narrowed. ‘There’s no way that’s a genuine name.’

‘It is!’ shouted a man from the crowd. ‘Honestly! I know him. My mum says he’s always wearing that nightgown!’

Granny rolled her eyes. ‘You’ll do. Do you fancy stepping up here to try your luck, boy?’

Wee, looking braver than he felt, tried to put on a strong display of attitude for the audience. ‘Ha!’ he shouted. ‘Me against a bunch of girls? No, you’re okay – I, er, I wouldn’t want to hurt them.’

As the crowd tittered, Granny smiled.

‘You’re not SCARED, are you?’ she prompted.

‘Me? Ha! I could take them ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.’ ‘C’mon on, then! Let’s be having at you, Wee... or should that be WEED Willie Winkie?’

‘All right, Old Crone: you asked for it!’

Wee ran towards the stage and then went up and down the stairs a few times, a bad habit he’d picked up at night when he’d found himself sleepwalking. Finally, he arrived in front of Granny Hood.

‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ she shouted at the audience. ‘I am going to demonstrate the methods we use at the Bad Apple Dojo to instruct a student in the art of self- defence. Mr Wee Willie Winkie – would you kindly advance on one of the girls?’

Wee looked terrified. He didn’t like fighting in the normal way, let alone in front of a big audience. He attempted to size up the line of princesses and quickly felt certain that he wouldn’t last more than two seconds fighting any of them. Still, as Granny looked more aggressive than all of the others put together, he decided to make a run for Snow White. He charged forward and found himself shouldered aside, crashing to the floor in a heap of arms and legs. The crowd laughed as he scrambled to his feet. He threw two punches that were both blocked before a leg as white as Snow swept him off his feet and he found himself half-conscious, staring up at the sky.

Granny held up her hands and asked for silence.

‘Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,’ she said. ‘I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today. I have to run an errand in the forest right now but if anyone’s interested in joining, the Girls will be handing out
yers in Hickory for the next hour and Dickory later on this afternoon. They might even get over to Dock at some point. Three cheers for THE GIRLS!’ As a roar rose from the crowd, Granny dragged the princesses into a huddle and lowered her voice. ‘Goldy has shown the bears what’s what – well done, girl – but what about the rest of you? Gretel? Have we found Hansel?’

‘Not yet.’

‘Then you know what to do and who to ask. I’m telling you, that egg’s up for cracking. The rest of you need to shake up the stragglers.’

‘What about you?’ Snow asked. ‘What are you doing?’

Granny grinned. ‘I’m putting on my own special disguise and heading into the woods for a lovely picnic.’

As the group dispersed and the crowd shuf
ed away from the town square, Wee Willie Winkie rolled onto his belly and tried to get up.

This isn’t going to help with the nightmares, he thought.

Chapter 5

Dimple Cute liked to cartwheel into a room, partly because it was a great way to keep
t but mostly because it always surprised people. She was quite disappointed when the audience turned out to be her father and the gingerbread biscuit.

‘Why are you dressed like a squirrel?’ she asked, landing on her feet in a dramatic finishing pose that would have got her ten points in any national tournament.

The King stared down at his youngest daughter and sighed. ‘We can’t afford to pay the chambermaid,’ he said, sadly. ‘This is the only clean out
t I have left.’

‘Why don’t you wash your own clothes?’

‘How DARE you talk to me like that!’

Dimple rolled her eyes. ‘Was there something you wanted, daddy? Only, I’m in the middle of painting my bedroom.’

The king started to waggle a finger at her but seemed to think better of it as a thought struck him. ‘How?’ he said, suddenly. ‘The painters all left with the cleaning staff.’

‘Don’t need them: I’m doing it myself.’ She shrugged, holding up two gleaming yellow hands. ‘It’s turning out okay, actually.’

‘B-but where did you get the paint?’
‘First floor kitchen – all those pots beside the stove.’ ‘That’s CUSTARD!’
‘Yeah, well – it goes with the curtains. What do you actually want? I’m guessing it has something to do with Goldilocks and those other girls from Granny Hood’s Dojo?’

‘You know of this?’

‘I’ve seen Goldilocks terrorising the three bears. The rest I’ve heard rumours about.’

‘I see.’ The King straightened up. ‘If I get Ginge-‘

‘...ERBREAD...’

‘Yes, apologies....gingerbread....to fill you in on all the details, do you think you could do something about it?’ Dimple Cute folded her arms and stared up at her father for a very long time, so long in fact that the gingerbread man wondered whether he’d actually gone deaf and missed the rest of the conversation.

Eventually, she said. ‘Yes, I’ll help....on one condition.’

The King sighed. ‘Well?’

‘I want The Glass Slipper.’

There was a moment of dreadful silence while the King stared imploringly at his most faithful servant. Never one to miss a queue, the gingerbread man dashed off into the bowels of the palace and returned, at length, with a box. He knelt before the princess and tore open the lid.

‘Can I interest you in these glass sandals?’ he panted.

‘No.’

‘They’re double-glazed.’

‘I WANT THE GLASS SLIPPER,’ she growled. ‘Otherwise, the deal’s off.’

The King blew out a heavy sigh.

‘Very well,’ he conceded. ‘I can’t work miracles, though. It has been buried in the deepest well of the smallest courtyard on the loneliest mountain in the darkest land. I’ll need some time to get my hands on it.’

Dimple nodded. ‘Let’s hope you can recover it before the situation gets any worse,’ she said, smiling. ‘I’ll visit each of the girls in turn and I may even have a quiet word with them...but I’ll tell you this: I’m not lifting one finger to fight those girls until I’ve tried it on.’

Chapter 6

Rain soaked through the roof of the forest and a fine mist settled on the clearing as Dimple Cute shifted her weight from one foot to another to stay comfortable. She’d managed to camouage herself perfectly against a tree and was carefully watching everyone who passed by for any signs of what the King was now calling ‘Gang Violence’. So far, there had been nothing particularly unusual...but the little girl who suddenly scurried between the trees and made her way along the path was de
nitely a bit odd. She looked slightly older than Dimple but was making every effort to skip like a toddler. She was still watching the girl when she heard a noise from the opposite end of the path and felt her gaze slide right, even while she managed to keep her actual head completely still.

The Big Bad Wolf was looking behind him when he tripped over the small girl and crashed face-first into the bushes. There followed a quick explosion of leaves before he managed to roll back onto the path and scramble to his feet.

The small girl was staring up at him. Only, she wasn’t that small and she didn’t look particularly girly. In fact, she seemed a bit stooped and bent over and her face seemed to be home to quite a few creases.

‘Are you...a little girl?’ asked the wolf, doubtfully. ‘Yes, Mister Big Hairy Wolf, I most certainly am.’ The wolf sniffed the air and his eyes narrowed. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Please, Mister Wolf, my Mummy says I have to be home before dark like a Good. Little. GIRL.’

The wolf peered through the gloom. ‘What creased up eyes you’ve got...’

‘My teacher says they’re sharp as an eagle’s, Mister Wolf.’

He tipped his head slightly. ‘What about the hairy ears?’

‘My daddy says I can hear a pin drop in the next village.’

The wolf squinted at her.

‘What a gummy old gob you’ve got,’ he said, with no small amount of disgust.

The little girl raised a finger to her lips and felt around a bit.

‘Oh, stuff and nonsense,’ she snapped. ‘I always forget to put me teeth back in after a rough weekend. I guess the game’s up.’

The wolf gasped and took a step back, his eyes widening with terror as he looked down – and further down.

‘Granny!’ he exclaimed. ‘I should have known! Those wrinkled, bony old legs!’

The elderly woman grinned. ‘All the better to take your face off,’ she screamed, spinning off with a round‐house kick that sent the wolf crashing into the tree right beside Dimple Cute.

The old woman followed up with a closed fist that took a chunk out of the bark when the wolf ducked.

‘P-please! No!’

‘Come here, you mangy dog!’

‘That’s ENOUGH!’ Dimple Cute stepped in front of the wolf and took up a battle stance. Glancing over her shoulder, she glared at the wolf and said, ‘YOU. GET LOST.’

When the beast was a speck in the distance, she turned back to face the old woman.

‘My father has asked me to stop the gang fights in this land and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. You’re the one who teaches them, so you can spread the word faster than I can. Enough is enough.’

In a friendly demonstration of skill, she back-flipped her way into the bushes.

Granny watched her go and flashed a demonic smile. Sheíll make a fine addition to the dojo, she thought.

Chapter 7

Gretel took a deep breath, reached over the broken fence and picked up the sledgehammer. Then she turned around, very slowly, and allowed a menacing smile to spread across her lips.

‘Okay,’ she said, raising an open hand to her ear and screwing up her face with the effort of concentration. ‘Can’t hear all the King’s Horses or any of the King’s men, so what’s it to be? Fried or scrambled?’

She swung around with the sledgehammer, which propelled her in a series of wild circles until it connected with the wall in an explosion of brick dust, dislodging two layers of concrete and causing the entire structure to shudder.

‘Noooooo!’ screamed Humpty Dumpty, rolling around on top of the wall like a marble on a slide. ‘Stop it, you crazy idiot! I’ve told you, I don’t know WHERE Hansel is: I haven’t seen him for days…’

Gretel staggered back, her lopsided grin caving as she fought to get her breath back.

‘Personally,’ she growled, ‘I like my eggs sunny side up but I don’t think I could manage a whole one.... especially one like YOU. I mean – seriously - that had to be some massive chicken.’

Humpty teetered on the edge of the wall, sobbing.

‘I didn’t come out of a chicken!’ he cried. ‘I was dropped by a stork!’

‘Right!’ she laughed. ‘And you DIDN’T break?’

‘I rolled!’

‘Yeah? Well, roll your way out of THIS!’

The sledgehammer hit the bricks like a thunderbolt and the entire wall collapsed. Humpty rolled off the edge and hit the ground without breaking. By the time Gretel spotted him, he was halfway down the hill and accelerating.

‘Wow,’ she growled. ‘I guess the boy really can roll.’

She gritted her teeth, dropped the sledgehammer and ran....

....right into Dimple Cute.

The King’s youngest daughter had appeared from a copse of trees near the base of the hill and was now standing between Gretel and Humpty, who had rolled a short way up the other side of the valley and now, his momentum gone, was rolling back down again.

‘Leave the egg alone,’ she warned. ‘I’m serious.’

Gretel smirked at her. ‘You should be on our side; you’re a girl.’

‘I’m a citizen of Once,’ Dimple told her, with a sigh. ‘Just like you...and him.’ She pointed to the bottom of the hill, where Humpty was trying very hard to pick up enough speed to roll towards the town.

Gretel snorted, folding her arms.

‘I need to find out where Hansel is,’ she said, ‘and you’re blocking my path. Now, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. The choice is entirely up to you.’

Dimple took up a battle stance. ‘Fair enough,’ she said. ‘If that’s the way you want it, bring it on.’

Gretel stared at the two fists being held up in front of her and suddenly regretted dropping the sledgehammer.

‘Forget it,’ she said, shrugging off the
ght and back- peddling up the hill. ‘You’ll keep!’

Dimple watched until she disappeared between the trees. ‘Yes,’ she muttered, with a grimace. ‘Yes, I will.’

Chapter 8

The sky darkened once more and rain began to pour through the trees, turning the forest floor into a maze of muddy trails and boggy hollows.

Dimple Cute had never really been a big fan of cats: any pet that deliberately stayed behind when you moved house probably wasnít to be trusted. The one she was watching now, however, she happened to know very well.

Cinderella’s cat had only become Cinderella’s cat when she’d acquired a palace and servants following her romance with Charming. Before that, it had belonged to her two delightfully hideous sisters and before THAT it had lived with Bo Peep and Miss Muffet at the same time, giving both of them the impression that it was their own devoted pet. During this time, the matted ginger furball had acquired several unimaginative names: Glitterball, Goldipaws, Gardycat and even Grismal...though its original given name was Clarence and it had been owned for many years by an evil witch who grew so ancient that she’d eventually gone off to bury herself out of sheer impatience. He’d lingered in the cottage for a few days before wandering off to find a new owner, which was how he came to spend a year in the company of Dimple Cute.

Clarence was a cat who knew where his bread was buttered, a ragged mercenary with a scarred face and one sewn-up eye that occasionally surprised people by twitching at them in a really unsettling way. He smelled awful, clawed anyone who tried to pick him up and attacked other cats entirely at random. He also suffered from Ringworm, Heartworm and even Trunkworm, which was usually a disease reserved only for elephants.

He picked his way carefully through the orchard, pawing aside a few apples as he went. It took only a few moments of careful observation before Dimple realised that there was a distinctive pattern and method to his movements. He’d separated a lot of the deeper red apples from the others and now, having disposed of the unwanted variety, was very curiously pawing the selected ones across the grass in a way that made them look like they had fallen naturally from the trees.

Dimple knew instinctively that the story Hansel had told her father about the apples was true. She found herself wondering how such an ancient enchantment was still working so well and also where it was actually coming from. Could it really be rooted in the soil, or was it being carefully poured into the apples another way? Somehow, she knew that Clarence had the answer to all of these questions. Nevertheless, she waited until the little
end had padded away through the trees before she started investigating the orchard.

Dimple dropped from the tree in which she’d been hanging upside down and landed, catlike, on the grass.

Snatching up a juicy-looking apple, she took a sizeable bite from the side and chewed on it, thoughtfully. It was, as she’d predicted, completely delicious. She almost didn’t feel the change coming over her at all until she actually started to think about some of the people she’d met that morning and only then did she understand just how fast and clever the enchantment was. She found herself re
ecting on her recent encounters and wondered if she hadn’t been too hard on Gretel or even on Granny, come to that. After all, didn’t the girls have to stick together? That was what sisterhood was all about! The Big Bad Wolf, when it came down to it, was big, bad and a wolf: he even walked upright on two legs! Why would she ever side with such a creature? Or that other, equally loathsome dog he hung around with? Did evil queens or baby-stealing gnomes really deserve a second chance? Of course they didn’t!

Dimple decided that she’d go straight back to the palace to refuse her father’s request and she was halfway across the orchard before the enchanted dose from her single bite of the apple began to wear off. She glanced over her shoulder, peered down at the remains of the apple and saw that the inside was rotten and riddled with worms.

She tossed the apple away, picked up a fresh one and wrapped it in a handkerchief. Then she marched determinedly out of the clearing, hoping to pick up Clarence’s trail on the muddy ground.

Chapter 9

It wasn’t especially difficult for Dimple to pick up the trail left by Clarence: she simply followed the cat’s path of destruction, making the occasional turn when she saw a pile of feathers or some small rodent with half its fur hanging off, staggering around the base of a tree.

She eventually caught up with the spiteful little moggie in one of the last places she’d ever expected to find him: the Gingerbread Cottage.

It was well known that some buildings contained the sort of bad memories that made people avoid them. The Gingerbread Cottage (not to be confused with the talking biscuit who had once been part of the garden fence) was no exception. Over the years, the legends surrounding the place had seemingly foiled several attempts to change it into a more pleasant property. These days, it looked like the stuff of nightmares.

Following the unfortunate situation involving one old witch, two very famous children and a really hot oven, there had been no less than five different occupants of the house...but not one of them had managed to stay more than a fortnight. Some said the place was haunted by the ghost of the original witch and a few even claimed the oven itself was a restless spirit that turned itself on and off at random, spewing flames in every direction (but in Dimple’s experience, most ovens were like this). In any case, most of the building was now gone and a lot of the chocolate walls were missing as the kid next door had a sweet tooth and never went without pudding if he could help it.

Dimple hunkered down beside the fence and watched as Clarence padded up the garden path. The door was practically hanging off its hinges but nevertheless creaked open to admit the cat, who disappeared inside.

Crawling close to the ground like a soldier on an assault course, Dimple elbowed her way up the path and peered in through the iced sugar windows, chewing on a bit of the marzipan frame as she’d missed breakfast.

Inside, the cat had leapt onto the dining table and was pacing up and down in front of....

...Hansel.

The greasy-haired orphan was standing with his arms folded, looking bemused. He was
anked by the usual suspects: Tommy Tucker and Georgie Porgie were both dressed in the sort of striped shirts that had ended up making the Tweedle brothers a laughing stock.

‘Everything is going according to plan,’ Hansel drooled, clapping his hands together as the cat leapt into his arms. ‘We’ve managed to turn the girls feral and now the King is going to clamp down on them. You know what that means?’

George Porgie and Tommy Tucker glanced at each other, trying to work out which one of them was supposed to reply. As their eyes darted from side to side, the anxiety of this expectation began to build.

‘WAR,’ Hansel
finished, much to their relief. ‘War in the Kingdom. Heroes against villains, friends against foes, all as it should be. When they discover the poisoned apples for themselves, the King will remember where he heard it first – and where does that leave us, my little friend?’

He lifted Clarence high in the air and peered at him expectantly. The three boys all held their breath.

Clarence let out a long, lazy purr and allowed himself to sag down in the boy’s grasp. Unfortunately, he was a very old cat and relaxing so suddenly also released a jet stream of wee.

‘Argghh!’

‘Eugghh!’

‘It’s all in my hair!’

Hansel dropped the cat and apped around madly in the dining room, while his two companions ran to rinse their jumper sleeves under the sink.

Clarence landed back on the table and reared up on his hind legs and extended an accusatory paw.

‘Cut out the drama, you clowns,’ he snapped. ‘The girl’s outside. She followed me here from the orchard.’

Chapter 10

The tower stood alone, rising so far above the forest roof that it looked like an angry finger pointing at the sky. There were rumoured to be more than twenty thousand steps inside that led to turret rooms ablaze with log
res and comfortable rocking chairs: the outside, on the other hand, was cold, smooth and said to be completely unscalable.

‘The trick is not to look down,’ said the Big Bad Wolf, looking up.

His brother, driving a spike into the next available crack in the brickwork, gulped twice and peered between his hind legs. ‘Stop talking!’ he spluttered. ‘Every time you tell me not to look down I end up looking down to answer you!’

‘How much further is it? I just got a bit of cloud in my hair!’

‘That’s dandruff.’

‘It’s CLOUD.’

‘Just hold on – I can see the sack!’

The leading wolf climbed up a spike. Then, reaching down to snatch a few more from his bag, he placed a foot firmly on the one he’d just planted and tried to step across.

‘OWWW!’ ‘What?’

‘That’s my face!’

‘You could have moved! Just watch what YOU’RE doing!’

‘How can I watch what Iím doing with your foot in my face?’

The sack was now only a few feet above them, suspended below a large oval window. It rocked gently in the breeze but otherwise showed no signs of life. It might as well have been stuffed full of rocks.

‘Are you sure he’s actually in there?’ said the first wolf, when they’d finally climbed within reach of the sack. ‘Only, it’s not moving at all. Besides, it’s bulging quite a bit and Rumple isn’t exactly famous for his size.'

‘You know Gretel: sheís mean. Maybe she dumped a load of stuff in there with him?’

The first wolf shrugged and leaned over as far as he could. Stretching out an exploratory paw, he poked the sack. There was definitely something inside shifting around...but it made no sound.

‘Hello?’ said the wolf. ‘Anyone home?’

‘Can you hear us?’ added his brother.

They shared a worried glance and waited for what seemed like an age before the sack stopped moving and a voice said, ‘I think there’s someone out there. Hello? Is there someone out there?’

‘It’s US, Rumple! The Wolf Brothers! We’ve come to rescue you!’

‘Rumple? Do you mean Rumplestiltskin? Sorry. He’s round the other side.’

‘WHAT?’

‘The other side of the tower. He’s in a different sack.’

The wolves looked around in bewildered dismay. The wind was now whipping around in wild gusts: it was all they could do just to hold on.

‘You can’t be serious!’ screamed the first wolf, as his brother howled with despair. ‘Please tell us you’re joking.’

‘We’re afraid not.’

‘WE?’

‘Yeah,’ said a slightly different voice. ‘There are a few of us in here. Snow White asked Gretel to keep us busy while she raided the mine.’

The wolf glanced down at his brother. ‘It’s the seven dwarfs!’ he shouted.

‘It CAN’T be!’

‘It is.’ He turned his attention back to the sack. ‘Exactly how small are you guys?’

There was some scrambling movement inside the sack before an awkward voice said, ‘Is there any chance you could help us out? Only, we’d really appreciate it.’

‘Of course! Hold still: BIG BAD TO THE RESCUE!’

The wolf reached across and, supported by his brother, snatched hold of the rope that secured the sack to the window ledge. He took hold of the knot, tugged at it several times without success and then, snarling a growl of determination, slashed through the loop with his claws.

The rope frayed, split and snapped in one sudden movement.

‘Oh! NO!’ gasped the wolf, scrambling to grab the rope.

The sack plunged through the clouds and vanished, leaving the poor wolf frantic with shock.

‘NO!! Noooooo!’ He glanced down through tear- streaked eyes. ‘Do you think they’ll be okay?’

His brother stared at him for a long time. ‘Probably not, no,’ he said.

The ledge turned out to be an easy climb and the brothers found themselves tumbling, exhaustedly, into the small but rather ornate room beyond the window.

They took a few moments to huff, puff and catch their breath before the first wolf sprang to his feet and began to look around.

‘This was Rapunzel’s tower,’ he said, nodding at the floor. ‘Look. There’s hair everywhere.’

His brother peered around and shook his head sadly. ‘She really let herself go in the end.’

A noise from the opposite window drew their attention. Peering out, they spied a second sack secured to the ledge below: the sight allowed them to share a smile of pure relief.

‘It’s about time we had some luck,’ said the first wolf, holding his brother’s paw and leaning down to bring his face close to the sack.

‘Rumplestiltskin?’ he enquired.

‘Bless me if I’m not the very same,’ came the snappy reply.

‘It’s us! The wolf brothers! We’ve come to rescue you!’ He took hold of the sack. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Not particularly, no,’ said the chirpy voice. ‘I’m hanging in a sack on the side of a tower with no food, no water and nowhere to go to the toilet.’

‘Just hold on!’

The wolf snatched hold of the sack and hauled it through the window, his brother slashing the rope when the little man was safely on solid ground once more.

Rumplestiltskin straightened up and dusted himself off. ‘I thank you both for your friendship and your bravery,’ he said, picking a feather from the end of a long nose that looked like a melted candle. ‘As you probably know, I was cruelly imprisoned here when Gretel found me poking around in Granny Hood’s cottage. I strongly suspect that she was attempting to stop me finding THIS!’

As the wolves shared a glance, Rumplestiltskin produced a wrinkled yellow envelope from his jerkin pocket. ‘Unfortunately, she failed.’

‘But what is it?’ hazarded the first wolf.

‘What does it say?’ asked the second.

Rumplestiltskin grimaced. ‘I’ll read it once we’re at the palace. It’s vitally important that I speak to the King.’

Chapter 11

Dimple Cute took several backward steps until she was standing in the middle of the cottage garden, facing the front door. It was beginning to get dark and she could hear owls hooting in the trees all around her. Despite all three of the wretched boys smiling demonically when they’d spotted her, there was now no sign of life beyond the sugared windows of the cottage. Even the odious Clarence had vanished.

‘Don’t try it,’ she warned, her voice strong and steady as she went into a defensive stance. ‘Whatever you think you’re going to do, think again. I’m telling my father you’re behind all this stuff with the girls and the apples, Hansel, poisoning minds and causing
fights...so you might as well do yourself a favour and come quietly.’ She darted glances all around her but there was nothing but shadows beyond the marzipan fence. She felt the first rush of fear begin to prickle in her stomach but she was determined to hold her nerve. ‘Come out NOW! I’ll even put in a good word for you: I’m guessing that whatever it is you’re actually up to, the idea came from Clarence. I used to own that little grimalkin, remember? I know how persuasive he is!’

As if in response to the name, Clarence appeared on the roof of the cottage. The ragged cat padded along the ridge of the roof and leapt atop the crooked caramel chimney, where it sat staring down at her with undisguised malice.

George Porgie emerged from the shadows, walking around from the back of the cottage to stand on the right side of the garden. He was carrying what looked like an enormous, twisted candy cane.

As Dimple locked eyes with the boy, he stopped, a calculating, sickly smile on his face. Instinctively, she turned her gaze to the left of the cottage, where Tommy Tucker, similarly armed, had slunk out of the shadows to flank her.

Dimple gritted her teeth. ‘Last chance, Hansel!’ she yelled, as the front door of the cottage swung open and the boy stepped boldly into the moonlight. ‘Don’t make everything worse!’

‘Worse?’ Hansel grinned. ‘How can this kingdom possibly get any worse? Your father is an incompetent fool.’ He reached inside his jerkin and produced a small silver box. ‘You seem to think you have the advantage here, but I’m afraid you don’t.’

‘Ha!’ Dimple raised both
sts. ‘Is that right? Three weedy boys and an old incontinent cat? Unless those swizzle sticks are full of lightning, I think I’ll manage just
ne.’

Hansel pursed his lips and shook his head, sadly, raising the box and giving it a slight shake. ‘You don’t recognize this, then?’

Dimple shrugged, frowned.

‘Of course you don’t. It’s actually the last of the Evil Queen’s Magic Dust. Remember that stuff she used to control people?’

‘Yeah, I remember. I also remember how it works. You’ve got barely a pinch in that box and I move FAST. Good luck getting that stuff anywhere near me before I hand you all your teeth.’

‘Teeth!’ Hansel let out a delighted yelp and plunged his second hand into his other pocket. ‘Funny you should mention those! I know you didn’t recognise the
first box...but what about this one?’

He produced a small circular box with a carved wooden lid.

Dimple’s face froze.

‘Those are my BABY TEETH!’ she cried.

‘I know. I found them in your father’s bedchamber when I was up at the palace this morning. He threw us all out of the throne room and I went for a quick wander to see if I could find anything interesting.’

‘What is WRONG with you?’

Hansel grinned and whistled a curious tune. The boys moved in on either side of Dimple Cute, their sticks raised. Clarence let out a disturbing laugh from the chimney that was half cackle, half mew.

‘Sprinkling magic dust on teeth gives you total control of the owner, right?’ Hansel ventured. ‘That’s how the tooth fairy keeps children asleep while they perform their duties? Hmm...’

‘Don’t you DARE,’ Dimple warned, but her voice had started to waver slightly.

‘Fascinating,’ Hansel continued, opening both boxes and pouring the contents of one over the other. ‘I wonder what happens if I sprinkle some of this dust onto these pearly whites...’

‘....I wonder what happens if we dropkick you over a rainbow?’ said a voice.

Hansel froze. Tommy and Georgie stopped advancing.

All three boys looked to the edge of the woods, where Gretel and Goldilocks had skipped from between the trees and were now heading for the garden gate: they were followed by Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White.

Georgie and Tommy immediately looked to Hansel, but the orphan, distracted by the sudden interruption, was so focused on the girls that he didn’t even see Granny Hood until she had crept up beside him.

‘Shall we even the odds here a bit, deary?’ the old woman said.

Chapter 12

The Great Circle Road surrounded the entire kingdom and contained the sort of signs that had helped to confuse and bewilder weary travellers for many hundreds of years: the King had bought most of the weirder ones as a job lot from an auction held in Wonderland by The March Hare.

‘I heard Simple Simon never found his way off this road,’ said the Big Bad Wolf, squinting at the wooden post over Rumplestiltskin’s shoulder. ‘They say you can still see him on lonely nights, wandering up and down the path, looking for a Fair he’ll never
find.’

There was a moment of respectful silence.

‘He was very easily confused, though,’ The second wolf admitted. ‘You remember when he got lost in that shed at Old King Cole’s garden party? Couldn’t find his way out? Took him three goes.’

‘Three isn’t that bad for Simon...’

‘It only had four walls and the door was on one of them.’

‘Will you two shut up?’

The brothers returned their attention to the gnome, who was staring at the top of the post where two arrows - both engraved with the word ‘palace’ - pointed in different.

‘It means we’re halfway between the middle,’ he said cryptically. ‘It’s going to take us at least another day to get to the King and we don’t have that kind of time. We’ll have to take a carriage.’

The wolves peered around them.

‘Can you see something we can’t?’ said one. ‘Where are we going to magic up a carriage from?’

Rumplestiltskin rolled his eyes and pointed at a plaque lower down on the sign. It said:

‘Coach rides. Please Ring and Wait Patiently to Be Collected.’

There was a small chain hanging loosely beneath the plaque, swinging gently in the breeze.

‘Please Ring what?’ The wolf snapped. ‘There isn’t a bell, is there?’

His brother squinted down at the end of the chain. ‘There’s a gold ring here.’

‘Magic?’

‘Dunno. Looks old and a bit tarnished: might be a wedding ring.’

‘It’s a RIDDLE of enchantment,’ said Rumplestiltskin con
dently, snatching up the chain and examining the golden band. ‘I’ve devised plenty of these myself. They’re always very cunning. PLEASE ring. Get it? To call a carriage, we have to do something to PLEASE this ring!’

The wolves frowned at him. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Like what?’

‘Put it on?’

‘Rub it a bit?’

‘RING!’ shouted Rumplestiltskin, a crafty smile on his face. ‘I demand you tell us what we can do to please you!’ As the gnome turned it over in his fingers, the gold began to shimmer and a deep, powerful but alarmingly elderly voice said: ‘Just some conversation would be nice. I’ve been feeling a bit down in the dumps, recently.’

Chapter 13

Moonlight shone over the Western Woods, where the garden of the Gingerbread Cottage had become a battleground.

The strangely twisted swizzle sticks were glowing in the dark as Tommy Tucker circled, attempting to fend off the advances of both Snow White and Red Riding Hood. On the other side of the path, Georgie Porgie was having his problems with an enraged Goldilocks.

Dimple Cute had needed all her energy and an entire catalogue of somersaults to get between Granny and Hansel before the first punch was thrown.

‘STOP!’ she screamed. ‘This is exactly what he wants! He’s poisoned you all! You’re eating from that orchard and it’s making you hate everyone!’

‘Yeah?’ Granny produced a fat red apple from her apron and took an enthusiastic bite out of it. ‘I don’t hate HER!’ she said, pointing at Goldilocks and then gesturing around the garden. ‘Or HER or THEM or YOU.’ She flashed a grin full of broken teeth before returning her attention to Hansel and raising a st. ‘But HIM and his two Candy Floss Crusaders – they’re getting it.’

She threw out a chop which Dimple managed to de
ect at the last minute.

Seizing his opportunity to escape, Hansel pocketed both boxes, turned and ran....

...right into Gretel.

‘Hello, BROTHER DEAR,’ she said, with a demonic smile on her face. ‘I haven’t seen you in such a long time. How have you been?’

Hansel’s eyes widened in terror and he started to shuf
e away from his sister and back towards Granny Hood, quickly deciding she was the lesser of two evils.

‘Stay away from me!’ he croaked.

‘Why?’ Gretel said, shrugging. ‘It’s so lovely to be back here at the cottage where it all started. Remember the poor old lady who lived here?’

‘She was an evil witch! She got what she deserved!’

‘YOU broke into her house and pushed her into an oven!’

‘You were there, too!’

‘I was starving hungry! I just wanted to eat the furniture! You were the one who decided you wanted her house!’

‘It wasn’t my idea! The cat told me to do it!’

‘HA! The Cat told me to do it! I’ve heard it all now!’ Gretel darted forward and snatched hold of Hansel’s shirt, lifting him off the ground with one hand as if he were a rag doll. She dropped him when Dimple caught her underneath the forearm with a well-aimed kick.

‘PLEASE DON’T! This is exactly what he wants!’

Gretel snarled in Dimple’s face. ‘I know my own brother!’ she yelled.

‘Not him!’ Dimple shouted, pointing up at the roof of the cottage. HIM!’

All eyes turned to the chimneystack, where Clarence was busy licking soot off his paws.

Gretel looked to Granny for guidance, while Snow, Red and Goldilocks all waited for their Sensei to respond.

‘I’m telling you it’s ALL him!’ Dimple continued, striding back to the middle of the garden and thrusting an accusatory finger up at the feline. ‘He’s not JUST a cat. He’s an evil genius! Before he was Cinderella’s family cat, he belonged to me for a year.’ As the cat began to pad down the roof towards them, cackling in that really unsettling way of his, Dimple raised her voice defiantly. ‘I couldn’t believe my luck when a talking cat walked into my life and I did everything for him! Then I actually started listening to what he was saying and I realised he was insane. He told me this story about how he started off with some old witch and how she was cruel to him but I’m guessing that was all lies! I bet he came from here! Hansel is probably telling the truth! His real name is CLARENCE!’

The cat arrived at the edge of the gutter and purred loudly, crouching in preparation to pounce.

‘Clarence?’ Granny Hood frowned for a moment and scratched the little clump of hair on her chin. ‘Wasn’t that the name of the Queen’s evil jester?’ she said, staring up at the feline face. ‘You know, the one they locked up years ago for thievin’ all them pies?’

Chapter 14

The situation at the crossroads was becoming unbearable. The voice, which now sounded like fingernails being scraped down a blackboard, had droned on for the best part of an hour without taking a single pause.

‘...then, just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, he puts me on the finger of this cursed princess. That wasn’t exactly a bundle of laughs, I can tell you.’

The wolves shared a pained glance, but nodded sympathetically.

‘That must have been terrible.’

‘You don’t know the half of it. Do you know what she did? She left me in a drawer for six months. Can you believe that?’

‘I can believe it,’ said Rumplestiltskin, rolling his eyes.

‘Shh!’

‘Well, it’s ridiculous. This CAN’T be how you call a coach. Nobody would ever go anywhere.’

‘What are you talking about?’

All three of them stared down gloomily at the ring that Rumple had propped on one branch of the sign.

‘We don’t know how to please you!’ the first wolf said.

‘Please me?’

‘Yes!’ echoed the second wolf.

‘What are you talking about?’

Rumple muttered something rude and then took a deep breath. ‘The sign says ‘PLEASE RING to call a coach.’ ‘Ooooh! Riight!!!!’ There was a moment of awkward silence before the golden band began to glow once more. ‘They’re probably talking about the bell. It’s on the floor in front of the sign. You’d be amazed at how many people miss it.’

While the two wolves stood gawping at the ring, Rumple dropped onto his hands and knees and scrambled around in the grass.

‘Can you believe this?’ he said, holding up a brass bell in total astonishment. ‘We’ve been here for TWO HOURS!’

He gritted his teeth and rang the bell with such frantic fury that the noise was practically deafening. Both wolves rolled on the ground, covering their ears with their forepaws.

The bell had barely stopped ringing when the sound of distant hoof beats signaled the arrival of the coach. When it eventually appeared, bursting through the fog and grinding to a halt in a thick cloud of dust, the group was somewhat taken aback to find it already occupied.

‘We need to go to the palace!’ Rumple shouted at the driver, climbing over the wolves and clambering into the coach. He seated himself opposite the three mangy-looking bears and waited for the wolves to drag themselves on board before making a police introduction.

‘We’re going to the palace, too,’ said Baby Bear. ‘We would have camped out but Dad reckoned we needed to stay on the move in case Goldilocks was looking for us.’

Rumple nodded. ‘I don’t blame you,’ he said.

Outside, the driver yelled at the horses and the coach lurched forward: within a few seconds, it was no more than a spec on the horizon.

Moonlight washed over the crooked wooden signpost.

‘Not so much as a goodbye or anything,’ said a miserable voice. ‘Don’t even know why I bother....’

Chapter 15

The voice echoed inside the heads of the three boys.

These girls are not your friends, it said. If you don’t fight them now, you will never be safe. This is your only chance to FIGHT. BACK.

Tommy Tucker raised the twisted candy cane he was carrying and charged at Snow White but Red Riding Hood stuck out a foot and tripped him up.

Georgie had more luck: his own swizzle stick connected with Goldilocks’ shoulder in a burst of sparks, sending the girl crashing through the side of the garden fence. Dazed but enraged, she flipped back onto her feet and gritted her teeth.

‘You’ll pay for that PORGIE,’ she growled. ‘Time to play!’

She hurtled towards him with a savage war cry but Georgie turned and ran away.

Hansel circled away from his sister, the little boxes raised in front of him once more.

‘I’ve done it!’ he warned. ‘I’ve enchanted Dimple’s teeth with this powder and now I’ll make her turn on the lot of you!’

‘Ignore him, love!’ Granny shouted at Dimple Cute, heading for the cottage wall. ‘He’ll need to eat those teeth to get control and I don’t think he’s got the stomach for it. I can always spot a boy who won’t finish his dinner!’

‘Shut up!’ Hansel screamed, raising the box of teeth to his lips. ‘I’m going to do it!’

‘I don’t think so!’ Gretel shouted back. ‘By the time I’ve finished with you, that box will be full of your OWN teeth, you greasy little toad.’

‘Don’t take ONE more step, Gretel! I will not tell you again!’

The cottage was being scaled on both sides.

‘He’s heading over your way!’ Dimple shouted at Granny as she clambered up the liquorice ivy. ‘He’s too much of a coward to leap from the roof, so he has to get past one of us! Watch out for his claws!’

‘Don’t worry, love!’ Granny called back, forcing a boot into the highest part of the honeycomb trellis and reaching out for the gutter. ‘I’ve got skin like old leather! If he comes near me, he’ll need all nine of those lives he’s got.’

In fact, both women struggled onto the wide, sloping roof to find nothing but a gulf of empty slates between them.

‘Where’s ‘e gone?’ Granny gummed.

Dimple looked past the crooked chimney to the series of sloping roofs that made up the various extensions that had been added to the cottage. She found herself looking at one in particular, the roof of a marshmallow scullery, from which Clarence had leapt and was now busy shinning down a jelly snake drainpipe.

‘There he is!’ Granny yelled, spotting the scruffy feline at the same time. ‘Get him!’

Dimple didn’t wait to be told twice. She dropped onto her bottom and slid down the slates to hang from the gutter at the back of the house. From there, she dropped onto the grass beneath the shadowy side of the building and tore after Clarence, who had already bolted over the fence and was halfway to the edge of the woods.

The chase was on.

Dimple loved to run. Every morning at exactly six o’clock, she would dash from the castle and complete a three-mile cross-country circle of the grounds before breakfast. She felt entirely confident that she was the fastest runner in the kingdom and would never miss an opportunity to race anyone who would accept a challenge to keep up with her. It was her incredible ability to outpace all the inhabitants of Once that made her realise just how fast Clarence was.

The ragged old cat sprang from tree to tree like some sort of demented squirrel, hitting the path occasionally to make a detour before leaping back into the foliage once again. In the pale moonlight, it was all she could do to keep up with him, and she tripped and stumbled several times in an effort to change direction when he suddenly appeared at the corner of her eye as some distant shape making a leap between two branches.

He’s old, she thought as she picked up the pace. He has to slow down sooner or later.

As it turned out, Clarence finally did tire...but not before Dimple had slipped on the muddy path and gone hurtling down a deep slope, glancing her head off a jutting tree stump at the bottom.

The world turned upside down and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Clarence watched her roll to a halt before turning and dashing on through the woods.

Chapter 16

The coach thundered through the mountains in a storm that had swept in from the east. A burst of heavy showers was making the narrow road extremely dangerous as the horses fought their way around a series of sharp bends, dragging their heavy burden with them.

The sky lit up with jagged lightning.

Inside the carriage, the noise of the raindrops was almost drowned out by the sound of all three bears snoring.

‘How can they sleep through THIS?’ Rumplestiltskin whispered, as the wolf brothers struggled against the howling gale to haul up the little windows. ‘And why exactly am I WHISPERING?’

He slammed his fist down on the seat next to baby bear’s foot, but the little creature slept on undisturbed.

‘Any chance of telling us what’s in that letter of yours?’ The first wolf panted, collapsing on the opposite seat and absentmindedly elbowing Daddy Bear in the ribs.

‘Yeah,’ added his brother. ‘After all, we DID rescue you. We deserve to know!’

Rumplestiltskin nodded somewhat reluctantly and produced the crumpled letter from his equally crumpled waistcoat.

‘It’s from the King of Hearts to the King,’ he said, adding ‘OUR King,’ when they both looked slightly confused. He unfolded the yellowing paper and read out the bold and curly script in front of him:

Your Majesty,

I can only apologise for my wife’s behaviour during your recent royal visit. Unfortunately, it seems that much of what you rudely described as her ‘demented head chopping anger’ came as a result of her beloved tarts being poisoned by a nefarious knave who, it seems, came to us originally from your OWN castle. I would remind your exalted majesty that I only employed the man who styled himself Clarence at your own recommendation. The war he started in Wonderland is still causing us trouble to this very day. To that end, we have exiled the fiend, and we have reason to believe he has returned to your kingdom. Be warned: he is currently sporting the clever disguise of a common house cat.

Your friend,

King Gerald, 14TH HUSBAND of Her Eternal Majesty, the Queen of Hearts.

ps. Please don’t trouble to write back: I’m up for the chop on Friday.

‘Clarence?’ said one wolf, suspiciously. ‘I remember him! He was the King’s Jester. Horrible little man – tiny purple eyes like those weird marbles you used to get from the toymakers on Wishing Street.’

His brother nodded. ‘Clarence the Jester. Who could forget him? After the Evil Queen was vanquished, the King would sometimes travel to distant lands, and Clarence would always sit in for him. I remember he used to sprawl across the throne with his legs dangling over the side: he was a small, spindly little clown with a hooked nose and pointy teeth.’

‘He did all those strange puppet shows where the children would leave in tears,’ said Rumplestiltskin, thoughtfully. ‘A really bad apple, that one.’

Chapter 17

Sunlight streamed over the land as the King prepared to grant his morning audience. He had already dispatched a group of soldiers in search of his daughter, who had been missing since the previous morning. The soldiers had been instructed to move from town to town, leaving no stone unturned until Dimple was discovered.

In another corner of the Kingdom, Dimple yawned awake and forced herself up onto her elbows. Her head hurt and there was a slight pain in her lower back, but considering how far she’d fallen, she guessed she’d had a very lucky escape.

It was only when she clambered to her feet and began to look around that she realised she’d fallen into a completely unfamiliar part of the woods. This situation came as something of a shock, as she prided herself on knowing the entire kingdom like the back of her hand.

Nevertheless, the enormous plants that sprouted curiously shaped blue and yellow flowers were a sight she had never before set eyes upon. Strange creatures scurried into the undergrowth as she fought her way past low-hanging branches and oddly perfumed bushes that seemed to sway very gently in the moonlight.

There were bells everywhere, not pretty flowers like bluebells but actual silver bells that seemed to hang from a vast network of ropes and pulleys that ran between the trees. She was very careful not to ring any as she moved through the woods in case they were rigged to trigger some sort of trap. Instead, she stepped over some and beneath others, heading for what looked like a bizarre tree-house just beyond the next clearing.

As she approached, Dimple noticed that the bell ropes crisscrossed the base of the tree in every possible direction. They looked like the work of some paranoid, demented mind...but then so did the tree-house itself: planks were nailed across every opening as if the person who lived there had decided that no light should ever be able to break through. At first, she could see no way inside: it was only as she arrived at the trunk that she saw the outline of a door and a misshapen gargoyle head that appeared to be fashioned entirely from brass.

She reached out a hand to knock, but before she could lay a hand upon it the eyes flicked open and she found herself face to face with the enchanted monstrosity.

‘No visitors,’ it snapped, its eyes darting to the right. ‘Can’t You Read?’

Dimple glanced over her shoulder at a sign she must have walked past. It read:

ABSOLUTELY NO VISITORS

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid I didn’t see it.’

The gargoyle sniffed.

‘Of course you didn’t. How could you? It’s facing this way.’

Dimple frowned and peered back at the message. ‘Isn’t it written on both sides?’

‘No.’

‘Why is it facing this way, then?’

‘Two reasons, really. Firstly, as something to do, you know, to give my life a bit of purpose, sort of thing. Second, it explains to people who are leaving why it is that they feel they’ve been treated so badly.’

‘Do many people leave feeling like that?’

‘They all do. Not today, though. He’s OUT.’

Dimple thought for a moment. ‘Can I ask you a question?’ she said, eventually.

‘Mmm?’ ventured the gargoyle.

‘I said, “Can I ask you a question?”’

‘That IS a question.’ He looked at Dimple’s confused expression and sighed. ‘So what you’re actually asking is if you can ask me two questions.’

The girl rolled her eyes.

‘Very well,’ said the gargoyle. ‘Ask away.’

‘Who lives here?’

‘His name is Clarence.’

Dimple felt her heart begin to pound with a wicked

excitement. ‘Is Clarence by any chance a cat?’ she hazarded.

The gargoyle yawned. ‘Aye, sometimes....and some‐ times he’s a spindly old man with watery eyes. Occasion‐ ally he’s even a troll or a goblin.’

Dimple folded her arms and stared up at the treehouse.

‘So he’s a wizard?’ she said.

‘No,’ the gargoyle spluttered. ‘He’s a shape-changer, one of the most dangerous creatures that ever lived. He can look like anyone or anything he wants to. He hates everybody, though: that’s what all the bells are for: they let him know when anyone gets too close. He really doesn’t like surprises, I can tell you that.’

Dimple Cute leaned closer to the enchanted face and lowered her voice. ‘Would you let me inside?’ she said.

‘No can do.’

‘I just wanted to look around.’

‘Out of the question.’

‘I promise I won’t touch anything.’

‘NO.’

‘Pleeeease....’

‘Listen, lady, I’ve got ONE job. Nobody gets in, and the door only opens at my command, so just forget it.’ Dimple heaved a heavy sigh and started to walk away. When she’d walked no more than a few steps, a thought occurred, and she turned back to face the door.

‘When did he leave?’ she asked.

‘This morning,’ said the gargoyle. ‘Shot out of here like an arrow as soon as the sun was up, said something about heading to the palace to get what was coming to him.’

Dimple grimaced and felt her jaw tighten. ‘Oh, don’t worry,’ she growled. ‘He’ll definitely get that.’

Chapter 18

The gingerbread man rose early in the mornings, and the king got up late in the afternoons, meaning that there were only a few hours each day when both of them were awake. This was because one of them slept in a warm oven while the other preferred a giant inflatable waterbed: nobody ever worked up the courage to ask why the king slept in an oven.

‘Where are my shoes?’ he screamed, stomping around the throne room in his stockinged feet. ‘I demand an answer at once!’

The gingerbread man cleared his throat. ‘Er...you’re wearing them, Your Majesty.’

‘Nonsense!’ The King folded his arms, de?antly. ‘Clearly, I’m not.’

The gingerbread man tried to maintain eye contact with the King, which was tricky because his eyes didn’t tend to stay in one place for more than a few seconds at a time.

‘You’ve put them on underneath your stockings, Sire.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘I’m not, your Majesty. You must have dressed yourself again. LOOK!’

The King glanced down at his feet.

‘Those are NOT my shoes. They’re Cinderella’s glass slippers: I put them on for safekeeping in case Dimple went looking for them BEFORE she’d sorted out all that mess in town.’

‘Um...okay.’

‘Now what’s the agenda for today?’

The door to the throne room flew open and Dimple strode inside, tripped and collapsed onto her knees. ‘Father!’ she panted. ‘It’s the Bad Apple Dojo: they’re out of control and I can’t stop them. I’ve tried everything... but there are too many of them and they’re just too strong.’ She looked up through tear-streaked eyes. ‘You have to give me the glass slippers. NOW. It’s the only way I can defeat them.’

The King looked down in horrified confusion at his enormously swollen feet but it was the gingerbread man who spoke.

‘Did they attack you just now, your highness?’ he asked, one cinnamon eyebrow raised. ‘Only, I notice you don’t appear to be hurt. You know, beyond all the obvious distress.’

The Princess glared at him.

‘Father,’ she said, slowly and deliberately. ‘Why do you continue to put up with this snack as your chief advisor? I mean, look at him: he’s not even properly COOKED.’

The gingerbread man folded his arms and sighed. ‘I’m simply suggesting that she’s been after those slippers for YEARS,’ he said to the King, ‘and you said yourself that you weren’t willing to part with them unless the girls from the Dojo were soundly defeated. Personally, I think you should keep hold of them for the time being.’

Dimple sprang to her feet and made for the throne.

‘Father, listen to me,’ she snapped, her expression stern. ëUnless you give me those slippers THIS INSTANT, I fear your kingdom will be overrun and this castle will soon be the headquarters of Granny Hood and the Bad Apple Dojo. Now, are you going to heed the advice of this BICKY over the word of your own daughter?’

‘You’re not his daughter,’ said a voice. ‘I am.’

Dimple Cute appeared in the doorway, her face flushed red with rage. ‘This twisted shape shifter is Clarence the Jester, Knave of Hearts and meddler in a million kingdoms.’ She gritted her teeth and glared at her identical twin. ‘If you give him those slippers, Granny Hood and the Bad Apple Dojo will be the least of your worries.’

The King glanced from one girl to the other and then down at his feet.

‘I hate Thursdays,’ he said.

Chapter 19

The coach skidded to a halt in front of the palace and Rumplestiltskin practically broke both legs in his rush to escape: the combined smell of three bears and two wolves in an enclosed space was something he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy.

Unfortunately, all five of the stinkers had tumbled out behind him and crashed onto the cobbles. As they scrambled over each other to get to their feet, Rumple eyed the palace gates with a mixture of fear and trepidation. There were guards everywhere: in the courtyard, on the steps of the Great Ascent and even on the grass verge that ran all the way to the arched windows. It looked like the palace was prepared for a full-scale assault. This was understandable, as Granny Hood and the entire membership of the Bad Apple Dojo had gathered just inside the gates and were currently engaged in some sort of rugby huddle to formulate a plan of attack.

Rumple decided to sneak past them using his amazing knack for stealth, a feat which was entirely wasted as the first guard he encountered raised a pike and shouted:

‘I’d recognise you in a crowd of five thousand, RUMPLESTILTSKIN! GET BACK, you demonic imp!’

The Bad Apple Dojo, as one, turned to regard them.

‘I knew I should have tied a reef knot in that sack!’ Gretel snapped, rolling her eyes. ‘Where do I have to put the little weirdo to get rid of him? On the moon?’

‘We let him out!’

The wolf brothers strode forward, one edging in front of the other until their confidence gave out. ‘We’re not going to let you push us around anymore! You’re nothing but a bunch of mean bullies!’

Red Riding Hood launched herself at them but was grabbed by Granny, who snatched hold of her cape and dragged her backwards.

‘I don’t think you boys can talk about bullying,’ she said, fishing in her bag for a fresh set of false teeth. ‘One of you picked on an old lady living all by herself and the other vandalised the homes of three peaceful little piggies.’

‘PEACEFUL?’ shouted the smaller wolf. ‘One of those oinkers came at me with a CROWBAR.’

‘Only after you blew down his house!’

‘It was made of STRAW! All I did was walk past: the stupid thing collapsed in the wind!’

‘Yeah, yeah.’

‘What about those MONSTERS?’ Goldilocks stormed forward, thrusting an accusatory finger at the three bears. ‘Attacking a young girl just because she was hungry and tired and needed somewhere to sleep!’

Baby Bear practically spat out the little bowl of porridge he’d bought along for the trip.

‘You broke into our house every day for a WEEK!’ he shouted. ‘And you beat up my mum AND my dad AND me AND, AND.....AND....’ he thought for a moment. ‘I’m only FOUR!’

The two groups began to advance on each other but stopped when Rumplestiltskin walked directly between them and held aloft the letter he was carrying.

‘We can settle all this in the palace,’ he shouted. ‘There’s a bigger threat at work behind all this fighting and the only way we’re going to get to the bottom of it is by delivering THIS letter to the King.’

‘It’s about Clarence, is it?’ Granny finished putting in her replacement teeth and spat at the ground experimentally. ‘A bit late to the party with that one, Gnome Features. We already know about Hansel poisoning the orchard on the orders of that MENACE. What do you think we’re all DOING here?’

Rumple looked momentarily taken aback, then rolled his eyes and motioned towards the palace. ‘Then I suggest we team up together, Good Lady,’ he said. ‘At least until we can pass that rabble.’

All eyes turned to the guards, who suddenly found themselves faced with an entire cast of heroes and villains.

The captain stepped forward and raised his pike.

‘Don’t even think about it,’ he warned. ‘Standing behind me are over a hundred of the toughest and most highly trained fighting men in the King’s Army. They’re afraid of NOTHING and they run from NO-ONE.’

It was only when his voice failed to raise a roar of de?ant cheers that he glanced behind him and saw that there were only ten guards still standing there: the rest were various specks in the middle distance.

A single pike clattered to the floor. Snow White charged forward.

Chapter 20

On a thin crossbeam high above the throne room ceiling, Georgie Porgie and Tommy Tucker were taking it in turns to loosen the bolts retaining the giant glass chandelier.

‘Donít release it until I give the word,í Hansel whispered from further along the beam. He was holding the tiny box of teeth and sprinkling them with the fine pink powder. ëClarence wants this timed EXACTLY right to get the king AND Gingerface.’

‘But now his daughter is down there!’ Tommy snapped back, peering at the scene unfolding below them. ‘His real daughter.’

‘Duh!’ Hansel mimicked. ‘Why do you think I’m using THIS stuff?’

He sprinkled the last of the dust onto the teeth and stared at his friends with a sick, self-satisfied smile.

‘What happens now?’ Georgie panted, wiping his brow with the back of his hand before passing the wrench to Tommy.

‘Now,’ Hansel snarled. ‘Watch this...’

He popped the tiny collection of salted teeth into his mouth and gummed them around. Georgie made a disgusted face while Tommy practically threw up.

Hansel closed his eyes and concentrated.

*

On the throne room floor, both versions of Dimple Cute stood before the King, who had gone into a whispering huddle with the gingerbread man before turning back to them and folding his arms defiantly.

‘It has been decided,’ he boomed, ‘That I and I alone have the skill and determination that it will take to decide which of you is truly my daughter.’

The gingerbread man looked doubtful.

‘Therefore,’ the King continued, as both Dimples glared at each other, ‘I will give you both three questions that will test the very truth of your intentions. Are you READY?’

Dimple rolled her eyes. ‘Father, are you seriously trying to tell me that you can’t even recognise your own daughter?’

‘I’ll never forgive you for this betrayal,’ Clarence echoed. ‘She doesn’t even LOOK like me.’

‘You’re identical,’ said the gingerbread man, rolling his eyes.

The King clapped his hands together and cleared his throat. ‘First question,’ he exclaimed, ‘and this is to you, Number One. Are you.....REALLY....my daughter?’

‘Do they get harder?’ said the gingerbread. ‘Shut up!’

‘Can we maybe talk about the questions?’

‘SILENCE, you gobby little BISCUIT. I’m waiting for an answer!’

Dimple took a deep breath, held back the anger that threatened to fill her eyes with tears and said, simply: ‘I am.’

‘And Number Two? The same question?’

Clarence looked directly at the king, wet lines running down both cheeks.

‘I have always been and will always be....your daughter.’

The King frowned and glanced imploringly at the gingerbread man. ‘I’ll be honest,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think I’d need a second question.’

‘Do you mind if I do the honours, Your Majesty? I mean, I know I’m only a gobby little BISCUIT but I think I might have a few real stumpers I can launch at ‘em.’

‘Please! Of course! Be my guest.’

The gingerbread man shot up the stairs and ran to stand beside the King.

‘Question Two,’ he said, ‘And this is a quick-fire round, so I’m giving it to whoever answers first. The REAL princess is in the process of painting her bedroom. So....what COLOUR are you painting it!’

‘YELLOW!’ Dimple screamed at the same time as Clarence, whose treacle grin told of endless nights wandering the palace corridors in the guise of an old but far from harmless cat.

The gingerbread man looked surprised but rallied quickly. ‘Question Three is to you,’ he said, pointing at the genuine Dimple. ‘You: show me a bunch of your best KARATE moves.’

Dimple beamed a knowing smile and performed a roundhouse kick, a rising elbow strike, an open leg sweep, a high block and a long punch. Then, crouching low, she moved into all seven forms of Dragon Waking: The Fire Serpent, The Snakebite, The Weeping Eagle Fire-strike, and Wind of Unbridled Fury. Flipping onto her feet, she turned and bowed low, smirking at Clarence with the gleam of challenge in her gaze.

The gingerbread man glanced across at the second Dimple, who went into a defensive stance but looked somewhere between slightly doubtful and decidedly worried.

She raised one nervous, shaking hand above her head and then gasped in shock as her identical opposite suddenly rushed at the throne, screaming.

‘Give. ME. THOSE. SLIPPERS!’ Dimple cried, fighting against every instinct as an alien mind took control of her body. ‘NOW!’

She hurtled forward, roaring with rage as both the King and the gingerbread man retreated to the top of the steps and shrank back behind the great throne.

As Clarence looked on with wild delight, Dimple took one last, desperate leap at the throne room steps...

...and the chandelier crashed to the floor.

Chapter 21

The Guard Captain bellowed a command at his remaining ten pike-men, who had formed a wall at the foot of the palace steps, their pikes held out in front of them as Snow White skidded to a halt some twenty feet from where they were standing.

As the guards looked on, she softened her stance, her shoulders dropping as she took one slow and delicate step after another.

‘Before I was born, my mother was sitting at her window, sewing a dress and wishing – more than anything – for a daughter.’

‘Don’t let her charm you, boys!’ the Captain shouted when he noticed the pikes beginning to lower.

‘What she wished for was a daughter whose lips were as red as blood and whose skin was as white as snow.’

The guards all stood mesmerised as the princess advanced in a series of gentle steps, continuing her tale as she drew nearer and nearer to the pikes.

‘Now, as we all know, wishes come in threes and my mother was a very practical woman. However, storytellers always choose beauty over truth and for that reason, her third wish for her only daughter – ‘

She whirled around with a Frozen Foot Strike that snapped the pike in two: the guard landed in the moat with a sickening splash.

‘ – a kick like a demented donkey - ‘

She brought her heel down on the broken pike head.

‘- is often left out.’

The second guard, suffering a mixture of terror and wild desperation, lunged at the girl but was hit full in the face by a paw the size of a saucepan.

‘Someone’s been eating my porridge,’ said Daddy Bear, who had a limited vocabulary and thought that Snow White’s story was a hard act to follow. ‘Anybody else want to try some?’

The remaining guards turned and ran....right into the Big Bad Wolves, who unceremoniously dumped them all in the moat.

Up on the steps, the guard captain rolled his eyes and threw down his own pike, but instead of fleeing in terror, he cracked his knuckles, tightened the strap on his helmet and began to pad towards the gathering horde of intruders.

‘In twenty years, no unwanted visitor has ever made it past me,’ he said, stifling a yawn and balling up his fists. ‘I’ve guarded the castles of two wicked queens, the tower of a dark sorcerer and even the forest stronghold of a witch who turned entire families to stone. Do you know what that means?’

‘Er...does it mean you’re a really bad judge of character?’ said Rumplestiltskin, who felt guilty that he was on first-name terms with at least half the people the captain had mentioned.

‘No, it means I love to fight, which in turn means that if you want to get into the palace, you’re going to have to go through me. That might be harder than you think. I’ve never lost a fight.’

Snow White threw out a side punch, but the captain blocked her arm, propelled her into a somersault and dumped her onto the cobbles. She’d only just hit the floor when Daddy Bear launched an attack of his own that ended abruptly with him flying backwards into the other members of his family: all three bears landed in a heap on the ground.

The guard captain turned to face the wolf brothers, who had descended onto their forepaws and were stalking him warily.

‘Don’t do it, boys,’ he warned. ‘I’ve seen the future and this doesn’t end well for you.’

Both wolves sprang at the same time but were snatched out of the air, their heads driven together in a grim crunch that left them both staring at the sky but seeing only stars.

The captain turned his head and spat into the moat.

‘Does anybody else have to get hurt before you all get the message?’ he said, as Gretel, Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood advanced on him in a pincer movement.

Rumplestiltskin rolled his eyes and started to move off towards the palace gardens.

‘Where are you going, you cowardly little gnome!’ Granny called, waving a bony fist at him.

‘Will you not have some faith in me, lady?’ came the distant reply. ‘You keep our man there, busy! I’ve some magic to work and a devil to ?ght and there’s more ‘n one way into the palace, so there is. I’ve a million secret tunnels in this head o’ mine!’

Granny returned her gaze to her three students, who were not faring well with the guard captain, and took a deep breath. Watching them, she knew instinctively that they were too wild and angry to win the fight against such a strong and seasoned opponent. She also realised at that very moment that the poison contained in the apples must be a very dark and potent one indeed. The girls had become a storm of punches and kicks that the guard captain was blocking with comparative ease. It wouldn’t be long before they missed him entirely and...

Three poorly aimed kicks and one half decent dodge saw the three girls all connecting with each other. They collapsed in a crumpled, exhausted heap.

Granny Hood rooted around in her mouth to make sure her false teeth were securely in place and then she rolled up both sleeves, pausing only to scratch a knot of dead skin on one wrinkled elbow.

‘Now, hold on just a second,’ said the Captain, warily. ‘Your girls here attacked me – and all I did was defend myself. That’s right and proper, that is. So you can just take it easy and back right off. I don’t make a habit of fighting old ladies.’

Granny sniffed. ‘Oh, don’t worry, love,’ she said. ‘You won’t get a taste for it.’

The captain raised his fists as the old woman hobbled towards him. ‘If this hits you,’ he said. ‘It will hurt. Please believe me. I’m not kidding. The lights will go out.’

‘I'd better make sure it doesn’t hit me then, Deary,’ said Granny, fishing in her apron for a gobstopper that ended up bouncing around her dentures, accompanied by a series of noisy clicks. ‘Hope I can get these tired old bones out of the way in time.’

The captain sighed deeply. ‘In that case, Iíll try to make it quick.’

He gritted his teeth, blinked…and drove his fist directly into Granny’s face. She wasn’t there.

Chapter 22

‘I thought it was the other one!’ The King screamed, climbing on top of his throne and jumping up and down. ‘Thank heavens that chandelier finally gave out and saved us all!’ He peered down at the gingerbread man with a grateful, lopsided grin. ‘I knew you’d uncover the real culprit, you clever little biscuit! You haven’t just saved the kingdom, you’ve saved the life of my only daughter.’

‘-er, Sire?’

‘Okay, the only one I actually like.’

‘But, Sire-‘

‘Okay, the nicest one, then.’

The gingerbread man peered over at the remaining Dimple, suspiciously. ‘Don’t you think that was all a bit sudden?’ he asked the King, as Clarence began to edge around the chandelier en route to the throne. ‘Answering the questions right and then rushing at us anyway? Something stinks about all this if you ask me.’

‘Nobody IS asking you,’ said Clarence, mimicking Dimple’s voice to perfection. ‘Father, I need you to give me the glass slippers NOW – in case that evil villain is still alive under there.’

The chandelier had exploded on impact in a vast shower of glass that now covered most of the floor, but the main frame supporting the great structure had landed squarely on Dimple Cute, who was pinned face down beneath it. She wasn’t moving.

The gingerbread studied the wreckage of the chandelier before glancing towards the ceiling, where three sets of legs were dangling from the shadows.

‘Your majesty...’ he hazarded, pointing upwards. ‘I think we might have an infestation on our hands.’

*

The great wooden beam groaned under the weight of the three boys, who had all scrambled madly to cling to the rafters when the chords holding the chandelier had given way. They’d had varying degrees of success: Tommy Tucker was holding on with both arms and legs like a terrified sloth, while there were only four fingers and a thumb separating Georgie Porgie from a screaming death plunge into the depths of the throne room. Further along the beam, Hansel had managed to hook an entire arm across one rafter, but in doing so, he’d swallowed all of Dimple’s teeth, something he was trying very hard not to think about.

‘Let me get past!’ Tommy gasped, trying to climb along the beam like a spider monkey.

‘Hansel,’ Georgie whispered. ‘Can you still control her?’

‘You think I’m TRYING?’ Hansel squeaked, gulping back a choke as the last of the teeth slipped down his throat. ‘If we don’t get off this beam, we’re all dead. Do you hear me? DEAD!’

The beam suddenly cracked and sank into a sagging v-shape, disgorging Tommy, who tumbled over the edge and found himself hanging onto Georgie's waist in order to survive. It took him a lot of effort to clamber over his companion and snatch hold of the beam once again. He swung underneath and remerged on the other side of Hansel, who sneered nastily at him.

The three of them held on for dear life.

‘Let go!’ Hansel snapped. ‘Both of you! Iím serious. I need something soft to land on and youíre both twice the size of me.’ He pulled himself up so his chin touched the top of the beam. ‘I guess all those pies didnít go to waste, after all.’

The two boys shared a glance. Then both reached out a hand and pried Hansel’s fingers off the beam.

‘Wha-what are you doing? Stop! STOP! Noooooooo-’

The boy swore madly and struck out at the air as he plunged into the throne room, his foot snagging on a chord that left him suspended upside down, swinging back and forth across the expanse below.

*

Dimple Cute winced with pain as her eyelids flicked open. At first, she felt a pang of fear that sheíd been seriously hurt and that her bones were crushed under the weight of the chandelier but a deep breath revealed that she wasnít actually in pain. She was pinned to the ground, though: two of the chandelierís great rods had speared through her clothes and she found herself unable to wriggle free. At least, she reflected, her mind was now her own: she vowed a swift and furious revenge upon Hansel for even attempting to take over her mind. First, however, she needed to get out of this trap in order to save her father.

Dimple reached out with her broken fingernails and tried to drag herself sideways by digging them into one of the ornate floor tiles. However, she’d barely managed to ?nd purchase with a single finger when the entire tile was lifted proud of the floor and a familiar little face emerged beneath it.

‘Ah, hello there,’ said Rumplestiltskin, with a friendly wink. ’I hate to bother a young lady during an afternoon nap...but would I possibly be anywhere near the throne room, do you know?’

Dimple let out a sigh of wounded exasperation. ‘H-h- help me,’ she begged. ‘P-p-please help me.’

Rumplestiltskin gave her a look of determined empathy. ‘Ah, as much as I’d love to lend a hand to a young lady in perilous distress,’ he whispered. ‘I’m on an urgent errand myself. I’m also bound by a series of ancient rules that forbid me to grant the wishes of princesses, be that straw into gold or the lifting of heavy burdens - unless they are able to guess my name in only three-’

‘-Rumplestiltskin-’

‘-tries, but I’m starting to think that word of my identity may well be leaking far and wide, if I’m honest. It makes the whole thing a bit of a waste of everybody’s time.’

‘Get...me....out....of....here...’

‘As you say, Your Highness.’ He raised a hand and prepared to click his fingers. ‘Just between the two of us, though, would it really have killed you to throw out a ‘Conrad’ or a ‘Harry’ just for the look of the thing? Only, it’s traditional that-’

‘NOW.’

‘Right you are.’

The gnome clicked his fingers and the ground began to rumble.

Chapter 23

The guard captain was exhausted. He’d been in many fights in his life, and these tended to break down into two different types: the ones where you hit your opponents harder than they hit you and the ones that were, well, basically...the other way around. He’d never before found himself in a fight where you didn’t land a single blow on your opponent, and the scenery beat you up instead. So far, he’d hit the edge of the railings, two wooden benches and the sharp corner of a water fountain...but no Granny. Nevertheless, he powered on.

‘Give up, deary?’ came the sweet old voice that he now found beyond infuriating.

‘Never!’ The captain roared. ‘I didn’t get all these medals on my armour for quitting a fight.’ He kept one fist raised and thumped his chest with the opposite hand. ‘This one was awarded for Bravery, this one for courage under pressure, and THIS one for Never Giving Up.’

He took aim – and not for the first time – at Granny’s grinning, gummy face, only to find his knuckles slamming into the brick wall behind her. He drew back his hand and stared in horrified fascination at the messy lump it had become.

Enraged, he struck out with a vicious kick...but again Granny was missing in action. Instead of the bony, wrinkled kneecap he’d aimed at, his foot found the base of one of the palace’s ornamental lampposts: the entire structure shuddered beneath the force of the armoured boot, and the giant brass lamp fell off the top and clanged over the captain’s skull. Even with the added protection of the helmet, the man’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he buckled to one knee.

‘Ooh, I do hope you ain’t goin’ easy on me just on account of my bein’ a little old lady,’ Granny crooned, hoisting up her apron to glance a knee squarely off the man’s jawbone. ‘I do hope you ain’t holdin’ anything back, what with all those famous fights you’ve won.’

She watched as a dazed look swam into the captain’s eyes, and he slammed face-first onto the cobbles.

‘I’d hand some o’ them shiny medals back if I was you, love,’ she said, waddling across the drawbridge towards the palace entrance. ‘I reckon they might ‘ave slowed you down a bit.’

The Chandelier was floating in midair, much to the amazement of those assembled below, but completely to the delight of Hansel, whose fall it had broken when the chord holding his leg had abruptly snapped. The snivelling youth had hit the top of the crossbar with a soft but characteristically dramatic thud before sliding off the Hoside and landing on his feet. He looked up with barely concealed malice as his two former friends shimmied their way down a set of plush red curtains and landed awkwardly beside him. He was about to berate them for their betrayal when a hand took hold of his arm and yanked him aside.

‘Just in time, you moron!’ Clarence shouted in his ear, snatching hold of his collar and driving him towards the king. ‘Get me those glass slippers, and I’ll give you half of MY new kingdom.’

Hansel grinned, licking his lips at the thought of such power, and hurtled towards the king. Unfortunately, he was intercepted by the gingerbread man, who stuck out a foot and sent the boy sprawling before the throne.

‘Bumbling idiot!’ Clarence screamed, his half-moon chin beginning to protrude as the enchantment sustaining his disguise was suddenly interrupted. He quickly clapped a hand over the offending feature and looked around to find the source of this interruption, his gaze quickly coming to rest on the smirking features of Rumplestiltskin as he stepped out of the shadows of the floating chandelier.

‘You!’ he yelled, his voice cracking. He thrust an accusatory finger towards the gnome. ‘You meddling IMP!’

‘I bring you an urgent letter, Your Majesty!’ Rumple yelled across the throne room, holding the creased yellow envelope aloft. ‘A dire warning to be sure, from the King of Hearts himself, a stark threat of grave peril to the kingdom at the hands of none other than Clarence, former jester to this very throne and infamous Knave of Stolen Tarts.’

‘I didn’t STEAL them!’ Clarence screamed with fury, rounding on the throne with a face like a thunderstorm. ‘They were on a window ledge, and the sign said PLEASE TAKE ONE! They were barely a mouthful each, and it's been TWENTY YEARS! Why can’t people just LET THINGS GO?’

From atop the throne, the King pulled back the hood of his squirrel outfit, his eyes narrowing.

‘You know something?’ he said. ‘I’m starting to think that you’re not my daughter AT ALL!’

The words had barely left his lips when the chandelier finally tipped sideways and crashed to the ground once again. Standing beside the wreckage was Dimple Cute, her face glowering with rage. Reaching up to unfasten her cloak, she took a deep breath and turned her gimlet gaze towards the throne.

‘You know, with a father like you, I really don’t need any enemies,’ she snapped. ‘This whole family is crack‐ ers. It’s no wonder I have a sister who’s frightened to cut her hair, another one who’s married to a frog and a third who keeps breaking her leg in the morning because she sleeps on twenty mattresses.’

The King grimaced. ‘Er...now look HERE-‘

‘No, YOU look,’ said Dimple, as the throne room door opened and Granny stepped across the threshold, the girls from the Bad Apple Dojo piling in behind her. ‘I don’t know why I never saw it before, but it’s now clear to me that you’re completely incapable of ruling this kingdom. You nearly handed your ONLY form of magical defence to someone who doesn’t even look remotely like me.’

‘That’s not fair!’ The King bawled. ‘The pair of you looked identical before his chin popped out! Hey, Gingey: back me up here, will you?’

‘Bit busy, Your Majesty!’ said the gingerbread man, who had Hansel in a sideways headlock.

‘Enough!’ Clarence screamed. ‘I’m getting those slip‐ pers one way or the other!’ He turned to Georgie and Tommy. ‘You two! Stop her! NOW!’

He tore forward a split second before Dimple raced to head him off before he could reach the throne. She was blocked by the two boys, who snatched an arm each and began to engage each other in a deadly Tug of War.

Dimple ducked under the two boys and rolled forward, freeing herself and twisting their grip in the process. They tumbled into a heap but rallied immediately and quickly regained their footing, only to come face to face with the entire membership of the Bad Apple Dojo.

Gretel moved in first. ‘Georgie Porgie, puddin’ and pie,’ She extended a single finger and jabbed it at the boy’s face, ‘annoyed the girls and took a poke in the eye.’

Georgie grabbed at his face and stepped back, into the path of Red Riding Hood.

‘When the girls decided to play,’ she said, snatching hold of his hood and yanking it down over his eyes. ‘Georgie Porgie ran......AWAY.’ She booted him in the behind and sent him on a collision course with the throne room wall.

Sensing the imminent danger, Tommy Tucker tried and failed to evade the clutches of Snow White, who took hold of him with a look of sheer delight.

‘Little Tommy Tucker, sings for his supper!’ She squeezed the boy’s cheeks together and pointed his face at Goldilocks, who smiled sweetly.

‘What shall we give him? White bread and BUTTER.’

She drove her head forward: Tommy hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.

The four girls clapped their hands together and turned to the throne, but Granny moved to stand in front of them.

‘THAT is not our right, ladies,’ she said. ‘Just go and help the biscuit with Hansel. Once we’ve cleared this throne room of naughty boys, our work here is done. Leave the jester to Dimple Cute.’

‘We can’t,’ said Snow White, a ?ash of de?ance in her eyes. ‘She’s one of us. She might not know it yet....but she is....and The Bad Apple Dojo looks after its own.’

The others shared a glance and knew she was right.

Chapter 24

The Three Bears woke up blearily and found themselves staring at the wrong end of a sword: several swords, in fact.

There were so many soldiers that they occupied the entire courtyard of the palace. These weren’t the royal guards; these were real men with beards and missing teeth and everything.

As Baby Bear stared at the blade in terror, the man wielding it smiled at him and relaxed slightly.

‘It’s okay!’ he cried. ‘They’re not feral bears at all: it’s just those three who live in the woods and eat lots of cereal.’

There was a roar of approval from the gathered army. ‘W-who are YOU lot?’ Baby Bear squeaked.

The soldier smiled, but it was Humpty Dumpty who

answered.

‘They’re all the king's horses and all the king's men!’ he shouted from the top of a golden carriage as it rolled to a halt behind two glorious white chargers. ‘I heard there was a riot going on and I thought we might need them!’

Another roar of approval went up from the gathered men.

Daddy Bear frowned and scratched his chin. ‘How come you can command an army like this?’ he asked.

‘No idea,’ said Humpty, honestly. ‘They just kept turning up every time I went climbing. I’d get to the top of a wall or a very big hill or something, and when I’d turn round, there they were. Eventually, we just got talking, and I guess we all hit it off. In any case, they’ve agreed to help me against those horrible girls from the Bad Apple Dojo. ESPECIALLY Gretel.’

There was another roar from the crowd.

‘You don’t understand!’ Mummy Bear shouted. ‘It’s not the girls at all! There’s an evil wizard behind all this! He’s in there right now, and the Kingdom will be destroyed unless we stop him!’

The soldiers got halfway through another roar of approval before they realised it wasn’t appropriate.

‘Why aren’t you in there helping?’ Humpty asked.

‘We got beaten up by a really tough guard!’ said Baby Bear, peering around him cautiously in case the captain had reappeared.

‘Nothing happens in this kingdom without my knowledge,’ Humpty exclaimed. ‘I don’t just sit on walls, you know: I watch everyone, and I know practically everything.’ He rolled down from the carriage, wincing only slightly as he hit the ground, and smiled at the worried expressions of the soldiers. ‘Don’t worry, lads. I’ve told you before: I’m hardboiled. There’s no damage done.’

Ignoring the vast sighs of relief, he stared down at the three bears with a serious expression.

‘How do you know all this?’ he demanded.

‘We heard the wolves talking when we were in the carriage!’ said Baby Bear. ‘They rescued Rumplestiltskin, and there was this letter that said about this evil jester called Clarence who will stop at nothing to-’

‘The wolves work for Clarence.’ Humpty interrupted.

‘What?’

‘The wolves: they work for Clarence. Theyíre always

hanging out with him in the forest.í

Baby Bear gulped and his eyes widened.

‘B-but that canít be right! They rescued Rumplestiltskin and came here to stop him!’

‘I doubt that,’ Humpty muttered, turning his eyes towards the palace. ‘Itís probably some sort of trap.’

‘Wait a minute!’ Mummy Bear said, suddenly. ‘Where ARE the wolves?’

She glanced all around her but the wolf brothers were nowhere to be seen.

Rumplestiltskin was using magic to slow Clarence down. The spindly jester, who now fully resembled the horrible creature he undoubtedly was, had (thanks to the boys) managed to get a really good head start on Dimple Cute and was only a few feet from the throne. Concentrating with all the effort he could muster, Rumple was trying to drag the jester backwards, conjuring a vast lake of glue that the little man was determinedly wading through.

Must stop him, Rumple thought, sweat beading on his forehead. Must....stop.....him.

A furry paw closed over his wrist. Rumple glanced down, then up into the face of a wolf. A second paw closed over his other wrist and the two wolves dragged him backwards.

‘Wh-what do you think you are doing?’ the gnome enquired, a look of astonishment on his face. ‘I’m trying to stop him, you fools!’

The wolves smirked at each other.

‘Yeah, we can’t let you do that,’ said one. ‘We sort of have a bit of an arrangement with Clarence.’

‘B-but you rescued me! To warn the king!’

The wolves chuckled, their eyes gleaming and spittle dripping from their fangs.

‘We didn’t actually bring you here to save the kingdom, Stiltskin,’ said the other. ‘Noooo. We brought you here to do what you do best.’

Rumple glared at them. ‘And what exactly do I do best?’

‘You turn straw into gold.’

‘Yeah – this kingdom is going to need lots of gold once we’re in charge. Lots of gold...lots of wolves....and no princesses.’

Clarence leapfrogged the gingerbread man and slammed into the King, knocking him backwards over the throne and landing on top of him with a victorious scream. Peering down at the furry, misshapen lumps at the feet of the King’s bizarre onesie, he snatched at the collar zip and began to drag it open, striking the man at every opportunity.

‘What.’ Thump. ‘Sort.’ Thump. ‘Of an idiot.’ Thump. ‘Rules A Kingdom.’ Thump. ‘Wearing.’ Thump. ‘A Squirrel Out?t.’ Thump. Thump. Thump.

The King fought back bravely with a flurry of his own punches.

‘The Sort.’ Thump. ‘Who Doesn’t.’ Thump. ‘Have any other clothes.’ Thump. Thump. Thump.

Yelling with delight, Clarence finally hauled himself backwards, tearing the onesie free from the King, who wriggled out of the suit wearing only his underpants, took one frantic, horrified look around the room and then hurtled off to his bedroom to cower behind a wardrobe.

‘Aha! Mine! They’re all mine!’

Clarence was rooting madly through the suit in an attempt to get his hands on the slippers, but what he got was Dimple Cute, full in the face. The princess took him off his feet in one barreling charge, knocking him sideways as he clambered up and delivering a chop that caught him in the throat and made him spew up half his breakfast.

‘Stop her!’ the little jester yelled, trying to catch his voice. ‘One of you stop her!’

Leaving Rumplestiltskin secured like a burrito in a rolled-up curtain, the two wolves crossed the throne room in a series of wild springs, crashing into Dimple Cute just as she managed to free the slippers from her father’s squirrel costume. The girl went tumbling down the throne room steps with the wolves rolling over each other behind her. All three arrived at the base of the stairs in a ball of teeth and fury.

The girls from the Bad Apple Dojo closed in on them like lightning, Goldilocks and Gretel dragging on the paw of one wolf while Red and Snow drove off the other....but they were all too late.

‘MINE!’ Clarence screamed, forcing his ugly little feet into the glass slippers and folding his arms triumphantly.

A dark and terrible silence settled over the throne room.

The girls stopped fighting.

The wolves stared up at the throne.

Hansel wriggled free of the gingerbread man and booted him down the steps.

Rumplestiltskin looked on helplessly from his plush red prison.

Granny grimaced at the jester.

The throne room door yawned open: Humpty Dumpy, the Three Bears and an entire gaggle of soldiers started through the archway before stopping short.

Clarence was glowing with serene power, his feet encased in Cinderella’s marvellous glass heels.

‘Right!’ he said, spreading his arms wide. ‘I’ll have the LOT. Pumpkins, mice, and a really cool dress. The full works.’

There was a rush of air. Humpty Dumpty had that awful, weird feeling you get when you’ve been in a room full of people and suddenly find yourself completely alone. He turned to face the soldiers all around him and, finding them missing, looked down.

There was a series of angry squeaks. The soldiers were still roaring for Humpty, but it wasn’t quite the same.

All over the throne room, giant pumpkins were springing up from the ground.

‘I’ll need some horses!’ Clarence sneered, his gimlet gaze fixed on the two wolves.

The brothers growled, realising too late that they’d been betrayed as the transformation began. A ?ash of pulsing light sent a zigzag of magic hurtling through the two canine bodies until they were replaced by one glorious white stallion...and one extremely resentful-looking purple unicorn.

‘Very good! Very GOOD!’ He smirked across the room when he caught sight of the rolled-up curtain. ‘That’s it, Rumple, my old friend. Just you stay put while I set this Kingdom in order. There are ten entire rooms full of straw just waiting for you in the cellar!’

Clarence clicked across the floor, cackling with glee.

‘I’ll need some beautiful birds for my carriage,’ he crooned, staring down with mock sadness at the members of the Bad Apple Dojo. He pointed a single finger at the group before jumping up and down with claps of delight as the girls and their granny were replaced by four stunning white doves and a mangy old vulture.

‘Oh well, I guess you can’t have everything!’ As Clarence roared with laughter, Dimple Cute raced up the steps toward him.

The jester immediately focused his attention on the girl, tapped one slipper on the flagstones and stopped her in mid-leap.

Dimple cried out in frustration as a pocket of air floated her off the ground and held her suspended above the throne.

‘My dear girl,’ said Clarence, spitefully. ‘Resistance is useless. I have the glass slippers, a kingdom at my disposal, an army of faithful servants and a little gnome to pay in gold for anything my heart truly desires. You’ve LOST!’

Dimple swore at him, but no sound would leave her lips.

‘That’s right, little princess!’ Clarence spat. ‘You will remain silent for a year and a day – that should teach you a lesson in manners! Hahaha! Your father’s kingdom is mine! I turned them all against each other just so I could slip in here and take control! You’re all so EASY to control! Hansel? Hansel! On your feet, boy. You have done well.’

The slimy youth sidled up to Clarence, his treacle smirk spreading when he fixed his eyes on Dimple Cute.

‘Can I keep her as a pet, Master?’ he asked. ‘Please? PLEASE! I did make her jump like a puppet when you needed her to.’

Clarence nodded solemnly. ‘You did exactly as I commanded you to,’ he cackled, turning to the boy and patting him companionably on the shoulder. ‘I told you those teeth would come in handy. Dangerous magic, that. Some of my best, in fact!’ He smiled as Dimple Cute’s cheeks began to run with tears. ‘Could have gone either way, you know....a battle of wills! But that’s what I love about you, Hansel. You don’t think for yourself.’

The boy started to smile, then thought better of it. ‘She was easy to control,’ he muttered instead. ‘Yes...but we took her by surprise. You should never

mess around with magic that works both ways. I do hope you’ve destroyed those teeth of hers. Right! Let’s ?nish her off, shall we?’

‘Yes, Master. Er...let’s do it QUICKLY.’

Dimple Cute glared at Hansel, but the sudden look of worry in the boy’s eyes told an entirely different story to the tone of his voice, as did the gulp he took and the fact that he immediately fell to his knees behind Clarence and began forcing two fingers into his throat.

All this was happening at exactly the same time as the jester, oblivious of the change in the atmosphere, clicked across the ?agstones towards the ?oating girl.

He’s swallowed them, Dimple thought, her mind racing. He’s swallowed my teeth, and it’s two-way magic. That means it’s my mind against his.

She focused all of her attention on Hansel, who was still on his hands and knees, retching and convulsing.

‘What shall we change you into, Princess Cute?’ Clarence cackled, completely drunk on his own power. ‘A guinea pig, possibly? A hamster, per chance? How about a squirrel, like your dear old dad?’

Get up, Hansel.

The command hit the boy like a cannonball, and he was on his feet before he even knew what was happening.

‘A fox? You’d look lovely as a fox, I’m sure....especially if you were hanging right over the throne. In fact, I’m aargghghhhhhghgh!’

Hansel cannoned into the jester and took him bodily off his feet. As both of them tumbled down the stairs, one of the glass slippers flew off while the other lay wedged between two steps atop the dais.

‘Stop it!’ Clarence screamed, trying to wrestle free of Hansel’s grip. ‘What are you doing, you crazy brat?!?’

‘She’s got control of me!’ Hansel yelled back, booting Clarence twice in the face. ‘I. Can’t. Stop. Her.’

He dived on top of the jester and the two of them rolled around on the floor, becoming a writhing mass of ailing limbs as they both fought to get control of the fight.

Dimple raced for the stairs, snatching up one shoe as she went before veering off wildly to reach the other.

‘Let go of me.....you........MORON!’ Clarence brought up a knee that stopped Hansel in his tracks, and the boy folded sideways, his eyes filling with tears. He lay on the ground, curled into a fetal position and began to sob quietly.

Clarence flipped onto his feet as a powerful flash of light illuminated the throne room.

Dimple Cute clicked across the floor, resplendent in her shiny glass slippers.

‘Hmm.....’ she said, staring down at the horrified jester. ‘I’ll need a gang of strong women for my personal bodyguards....’ She clicked her fingers, and the girls from the Bad Apple Dojo reappeared. ‘A wise and powerful lady to captain them.’ A second, Ash replaced the vulture with Granny, who took a few minutes to stop squawking.

Dimple grinned widely. ‘Every kingdom needs a decent army. I think mine will be of men, not mice.’ She clapped her hands, and the soldiers returned. ‘Can somebody please get Rumplestiltskin out of that carpet? Every court needs a wizard, and he has proved his loyalty today. The boys can do the honours.’

Grateful not to be struck down where they stood, Tommy Tucker and Georgie Porgie ran over to release Rumplestiltskin.

Humpty Dumpty stared around in complete dismay, partly because all the events in the throne room had taken him by surprise but mostly because everyone was apparently ignoring the fact that he’d remained an egg throughout the entire event. It didn’t seem fair, really.

‘Finally, there are these two,’ Dimple continued, gesturing towards the two steeds. ‘Unfortunately, I think the horse is rather beautiful, and I’ve always wanted to ride a unicorn, so I guess you can stay as you are. Who needs a couple of two-faced, mangy wolves when you can ride something that farts rainbows?’

The horse reared up and neighed mightily. The unicorn rolled its eyes.

‘And then there’s YOU.’

Dimple looked down at Clarence and shook her head sadly. ‘The jester, the manipulator, the liar, the Knave of Hearts. Hmm...what will it be? A guinea pig? A hamster? A squirrel, perhaps? Like my dear old DAD?’

Clarence put his hands together and winced up at her hopefully.

‘No, I think I have the perfect permanent shape for you. What about a dirty old, flea-bitten moggy? After all, that’s what you REALLY are....right?’

She pointed one glittering finger at the jester, who immediately shrivelled up and returned to his previous state.

Dimple suddenly felt pity in her heart for the tired, bedraggled-looking cat. She thought for a moment, then slowly turned to glance at Hansel.

‘Just so poor Clarence here doesn’t get lonely,’ she said, with a gleam in her eye, ‘allow me to introduce everyone to the new Kitchen Cat. We will call him.....BadApple.’

She snapped her fingers and smiled as a sour-faced and bitterly despondent-looking ginger kitten appeared on the flagstones.

‘Good!’ she finished, clapping her hands. ‘I think I’ve set everything in order.’

She peered around the throne room in order to view her new handiwork. Everyone was smiling, talking, and laughing together. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Dimple felt a short, sharp tug on her sleeve and glanced down at the gingerbread man.

‘Er...sorry to bother you, your Highness....but would it be possible...’

‘Well?’

‘Only if you don’t mind...’

‘WHAT IS IT?’

‘Er...that is - if it’s okay - can I just grab your dad’s onesie? Only, he’s gesturing at me madly from the corner of the room, and he’s down to his underpants, so I thought-‘

‘FINE. I’ll deal with you both later.’

‘Very kind, your Highness. Much appreciated.’ Dimple rolled her eyes as the little biscuit hauled

away her father’s increasingly strange and tattered out?t. Although today had been one of the most tiring and difficult days of her life, all in all, she reflected, it could have been a lot worse.

Epilogue

In the end, Dimple Cute ruled over her father’s kingdom for precisely three days, twelve hours and seven minutes. This dramatically short reign only lasted until the weekend celebrations at the palace, when the sudden arrival of four evil witches plunged the realm into a nightmare nobody had quite been expecting...

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